How to Write The Matrix

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How to Write The Matrix

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Where do ideas come from? Are these words really on the screen right now, or are they just an illusion of the matrix? If you are reading this, you are the chosen one, screenwriter. Follow the white rabbit. Write your script.

2 – The Genre. Futuristic sci-fi change-your-perception-of-the-world thriller. Cyberpunk is the term for it, I guess. Multi-hyphenate Jesus allegory also works.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? By taking a pill from a stranger with cool sunglasses, you find out that humans are used as batteries for a machine-alien race that keep us all in a digital matrix world to distract us while we are drained of energy. Now that you know this, your job is to fight The Matrix, save humanity, and combine deep philosophical ideas with difficult special effects. No pressure.

4 – The Fun Stuff. We get conceptual here. What if Will Smith is the chosen one, and Val Kilmer guides him to the truth? Ah if only Will understood the concept instead of choosing The Wild Wild West. How do we explain these concepts to people? What if we really are living in a Matrix? What if we are all Keanu Reeves? Whoa. Excellent. He’d be a great savior of humanity, as would you. And since this is the 90s and we have CGI we can do cool stuff with slowing down flying bullets, making people jump way farther than we ever thought possible, and hiding Keanu Reeves’ real life spinal injury (seriously, he was almost paralyzed at one point). We mess with the physical world, because it’s all digital anyway, right?

5 – The Device. The Matrix is a system, screenwriter. That system is our enemy. The Device is the world we live in. Or the world we think we live in. It’s the computer codes creating the world around us, and the war above between human batteries and the beings that use humans for energy. Make sure you and all of your actors read Simulacra and Simulation by Jean Baudrillard. We won’t read it, but hopefully we will understand it after watching this movie.

6 – The Larry. Laurence Fishburne is the old wise man that helps our hero. The Obi Wan in Star Wars. The Doc Brown in Back to the Future. The Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. Let’s name him Morpheus, which kind of means “change”, but most people won’t notice that it’s an obvious name even though he is the reason our main character changes.

7 – The Jokes. There are no jokes, only algorithms. Do not try and bend the spoon, that’s impossible. Only try to realize the truth. There is no spoon. It is not the spoon that bends, but only ourselves. It’s not the movie that changes our perceptions, it’s ourselves that give The Matrix its meaning. What makes sense anymore?

8 – The Title. Human Battery sounds too much like an action movie and this is more sci-fi with action elements. Wake Up Humans, This Is The Truth is too preachy. We can get geeky but keep it simple. The Matrix. Math nerds will love it and it is simple enough for humans to remember.

9 – The Ending. You are the chosen one. Save Humanity. Yes you. Go write your script.

10 – The Heart. The Matrix has a heart, just like humans do. It reminds us all that we are the saviors of our own digital realities, and that you are the only one that can write your screenplay.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write The Matrix. The Wachowskis did.

How to Write Bridesmaids

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How to Write Bridesmaids

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. If you don’t already have funny friends, move to a major city and take a class on something called “improvisation”.

2 – The Genre. Comedy. With women. But nowadays we just say “Comedy” and not “Female Comedy” or “Chick Flick”. Funny is funny. People are people.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You mess up all the fun plans before your best friend’s wedding because you kind of suck at life and you’re letting your depression affect your friendships. Your cake business failed and you are sleeping with a jerk, albeit a handsome one. All of your friends are doing so well that you are the only one who can’t afford a first class flight. You have to move in with your mother and worst of all, your best friend might have a new best friend.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Being a Bridesmaid is fun, right? Planning parties, shopping for dresses, and adventurous lunches! Food poisoning while trying on expensive dresses! Getting Kristen Wiig drunk on an airplane! Of course there’s the wedding to look forward to at the end of the movie. Audiences like looking forward to a big event, and it will be awesome if we can get Wilson Phillips to sing a hit song at the reception.

5 – The Cop. A guy with authority who can pull you over for not fixing your tail light. A guy who will let you do cop stuff with him, then sexy stuff, and then baking stuff. Give him a cool non-American accent and let him be super into you. Good guys exist.

6 – The Melissa. We need a voice of reason. Someone who has their shit together and doesn’t abandon Annie at her worst. Also someone who is capable at handling a bunch of golden retrievers. Melissa McCarthy, although already a successful television actor, makes a breakout in this movie. Let her choose her styling – apparently she doesn’t want her character to wear makeup. And cast her husband in it as her romantic interest because they are adorable together.

7 – The Jokes. Comedians, attack! While the script is hilarious, we have the best comedic talent in the business in this movie. Let them soar! Women are funny, damn it! Women can shit themselves in the middle of the street and make it tasteful! Women can tell jokes! (Although a woman did not direct this movie, Paul Feig knows how to let women shine.)

8 – The Title. Bridesmaids, because you know, they’re all bridesmaids. I guess we could go with “My Best Friend’s Wedding” but that has been taken and “Sorry I Ruined Your Bachelorette Party” is too long. Keep it simple.

9 – The Ending. “Fight for your shitty life!” yells Melissa McCarthy and then amazingly Annie gets her shit together. It’s inspiring. I kind of want someone to yell at me like that. Annie opens a bakery, makes amends to those she hurt, and saves the wedding by finding the bride the morning of. Oh, and she gets the hot cop and makes new friends while dancing along to “Hold On” next to Wilson Phillips.

10 – The Heart. Bridesmaids is a movie about friends made by actual friends. There’s a reason the main character is named Annie. She’s one of the writers. You can tell that these two besties who met in an improv class really love each other and love making a great movie.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Bridesmaids. Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig did.

How to Write Speed

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How to Write Speed

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Have your Dad spoil the movie Runaway Train by telling you it has a bomb on board (it doesn’t). When you watch that movie, realize your Dad probably confused the plot with the Japanese movie The Bullet Train, which did have a bomb on board. Think the movie with the bomb is the better version and decide to make your own but make it your own by adding a bus. Yeah.

2 – The Genre. Action. Wait, what, this takes place mostly on a bus and we all know buses are boring. We can only get this green lit if we include action sequences that don’t take place on a bus, so add an elevator and a subway and some sexual tension. Cool?

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? If you take public transportation, you might die. Seriously, though, let’s do all the things people wish they could do with their cars in Los Angeles traffic. Let’s destroy a bunch of nice vehicles, almost run over children, and hijack an airport runway. We do crash a bus and destroy a camera while filming the bus jump scene, and we aren’t sure what to tell the studio, but they don’t seem to mind and make a bunch of profits off of this film so who cares about the lost equipment?

4 – The Fun Stuff. Do you remember Die Hard? We almost got the same director, but he suggested another guy who remembers Die Hard because he was the director of photography. He knows how to make elevators and buses and subways exciting, mostly with explosions.

5 – The Device. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes over 50 miles per hour, the bomb is activated. When the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, the bomb explodes. Simple. Easy. Fun. But there has to be more than one bomb. It’s the nineties, after all. There’s the bomb in the elevator at the beginning, then the bomb on the first bus, then the bomb on our hero bus, and then the bomb strapped to our leading lady at the end. Explosions are cinematic.

6 – The Hopper. The hero is only as good as the villain is bad. This villain has a big chip on his shoulder because of corporate bullshit with is retirement. He just can’t get no respect, so he blows things up. “Thirty years from now you get a tiny pension and a cheap gold watch.” What do you want in thirty years? To still be a good movie? Congratulations! It’s worth a watch.

7 – The Jokes. Pop quiz, hotshot. How can set up a full romantic relationship in two hours? Have them meet under intense circumstances. Have them use PG rated sexual innuendos as to imply that Keanu Reeves is dating this cute bus driver, resulting in her asking “Do I get off?” when given the option to steer the bus off the freeway. After that intensity calms down, have the bus hit a baby carriage being pushed across the street only to find out it is filled with recyclable cans. “It’s not a baby!” is the same thing a couple would excitedly yell after an adventuresome night. He comes back for her even though it risks his life, thus proving his love for her generated during such an intense circumstance. Keanu and Sandra basically go through all the steps of a relationship in less than two hours. It works.

8 – The Title. Minimum Speed. That sounds boring. Maximum Speed? But we don’t really go that fast in this movie…hmmmm…okay, Speed it is.

9 – The Ending. The bus blows up, but no one else does. Keanu defeats the Hopper and saves the day, even though he destroys an expensive subway line on Hollywood Blvd., reminding everyone that Los Angeles really does have a subway.

10 – The Heart. Speed is a full relationship between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. A relationship built on intense situations can never last, but this movie will be fun to watch forever.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Speed. Graham Yost did with dialogue help from Joss Whedon.

How to Write Rocky

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How to Write Rocky

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Beat yourself up for having “not made it” in Hollywood yet. Write a script in three and a half days after you sell your dog. This is not a story about a winner. It is kind of a story about boxer Chuck Wepner lasting almost a full fifteen rounds against Muhammad Ali unexpectedly in 1975. We settle with Wepner out of court for this little inspiration years later, and you do get to buy your dog back. Phew.

2 – The Genre. Oscar bait. I mean, inspirational drama Oscar bait that gets you a bunch of awards and international recognition. I guess this is a story about a winner. Best Picture winner, to be exact. Ten nominations, Adrian!

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re a loser. A has been. A nobody. You could have been a contender. You gave up on yourself and now beat up dudes to collect money. And all you want to do in life is to get punched repeatedly by the world heavy weight champion in front of millions of television viewers and your new girlfriend Adrian. Also the studio is thinking of casting someone else, an existing star like Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds. Maybe you’ll never make it in Hollywood.

4 – The Fun Stuff. You win the role of Rocky. You would have beaten yourself up if the movie was a success without you in it, but now that you’re in it, you get to beat other people up! The most fun will be getting your butt in gear to a sweet montage. Training like a champion – specifically training like real boxer Joe Frazier – drinking raw eggs, punching dead cow carcasses in a meat locker, jogging up stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum and making them famous with a fist pump. But we can also provide soundtracks to people working out and inspire real life people to run up those stairs while listening to that song and pumping their own fists in the air. Life imitates art, after all.

5 – The Device. World Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali, but in the script we call him Apollo Creed. He’s the best, regularly knocking out professional boxers. To gain some more press, Apollo hosts a mock exhibition match against a marketable Southpaw – The Italian Stallion. Apollo gives Rocky the chance to fight him, so while he is the opponent, he is also the savior. I’m not sure Jesus ever asked anyone to fight him for money, but he did provide ways for people to reach their full potentials. So. There’s that.

6 – The Coach. Rocky needs someone who believed in him once but doesn’t believe in him right now but could possibly believe in him again if he got his act together. Burgess Meredith, the guy from one of the most famous episodes of The Twilight Zone – the one where the guy is the last man alive on Earth and just wants to read, but when he finally finds the library he steps on his glasses and can’t read. He doesn’t want to read in this movie, though, he wants to train boxers. It’s just cool that we can afford an actor from The Twilight Zone. And even though we only have a million dollar budget, we can also afford a Coppola.

7 – The Jokes. “Yo, Adrian!” The charm in this movie comes from Rocky’s love for Adrian, played by Francis Ford Coppola’s sister Talia Shire. He really fights for her love by making her laugh with jokes, and then makes love to her after buying animals from her pet store.

8 – The Title. Rocky. Rocky 2. Rocky 3. Rocky 4. Rocky Balboa. Creed. Creed 2. Wow this really is a franchise. Let’s just start with Rocky.

9 – The Ending. You lose the fight, but you last all the rounds. You make it to the end and don’t get taken down by the world heavyweight champion. Sure, you loosely based the story on a real life boxing match, but that script you write in three and half days earns you an Academy Award nomination for Best Screenplay. Congrats, winner. Even though you didn’t win the Oscar for writing, you do win a career.

10 – The Heart. Rocky wins the heart of Adrian and launches Sylvester Stallone into the hearts of viewers around the world. Sly not only stars in all of the sequels but also writes and directs most of them as well. This really is a story about a winner. And this article is to remind you that Sylvester Stallone is an Academy Award nominated Screenwriter. (Fist pump).

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Rocky. Sylvester Stallone did. Seriously. Rambo wrote Rocky.

How to Write Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park Poster

How to Write Jurassic Park

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Visit a real dinosaur theme park and write about your fun weekend. No, but wouldn’t that be awesome? One can only dream. Seriously though, just write novels for about twenty years and then write and direct a few films and turn this one screenplay you wrote about a college kid who clones a dinosaur into a novel without a college kid that then gets turned into a screenplay. Tell your buddy about your new dinosaur theme park book so he can call dibs on the directing rights.

2 – The Genre. Thriller. Action Adventure. You are stuck on an island with a bunch of cloned dinosaurs and people die, so kind of Horror? Blockbuster I think is the official genre.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Your free vacation gets ruined when the dinosaurs in the dinosaur theme park get set free by a guy who is upset about his paycheck. You don’t want kids, and of course now you are stuck with kids while trapped on this dinosaur infested island. It’s raining a lot. And Ian Malcolm won’t shut up about his Chaos Theory.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Dinosaurs aren’t just scary, they are also majestic. The first ones we see are beautiful brachiosaurs, you know, those tall skinny necked things that move in herds. They are graceful and peaceful, similar to a giraffe in a zoo. You see birds at zoos, and dinosaurs are just basically large birds without feathers. This is the part that would totally make you want to visit a dinosaur theme park. Also, we get to drive around in Jeeps and Ford Explorers because they paid to be in this film.

5 – The Device. A Tyrannosaurus Rex. The baddest-ass dinosaur of all time because this is the first film and we don’t need to create hybrids yet. Remind the audience that she’s a female, because all of the dinosaurs on the island are genetically created to be female. Our lady T-Rex is the “Deus Ex Machina” of Jurassic Park, the “Hand of God” that magically saves our visitors at the end of the movie. The ancient Greeks used it all the time when they didn’t know how to end their plays – a giant hand just comes from above and lifts the villain from the stage. This is what the T-Rex that terrifyingly ravages a 1993 Ford Explorer at the midpoint does at the end – saves the day by eating the velociraptor attacking our main human characters while the banner “When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth” gloriously falls behind her.

6 – The Hammond. Mister Hammond could be considered the evil corporate villain in this story. He owns the park, pays scientists to clone dinosaurs, underpays his I.T. guy to run the security systems, uses a cane with a dead animal in it, and dresses generally in monochrome – all signs of a villain. No one would be surrounded by dangerous dinosaurs if it weren’t for Mr. Hammond’s little island and invitation to join him for free.

7 – The Jokes. Cast Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm and we don’t really need jokes. Make sure his shirt rips open at some point. Not a joke. Oh we can make fun of lawyers here, so put the lawyer on a toilet and have him get eaten humorously. Keep his shorts on, though, he’s not “going number two”, he’s just avoiding the children he abandoned in the car. He deserves to die.

8 – The Title. Jurassic Park. It’s the name of the park. It also suggests that the park has dinosaurs, but it smarter than just “Dinosaur Park” or “Dinoland” or “Billy and the Cloneasaurus”. Jurassic Park has a seriousness to it, and our T-Rex skeleton looks so cute in the logo! It’s based off of the bones of the first T-Rex skeleton discovered by humans and designed by the same guy that did the Star Wars font and the Starfleet insignia for Star Trek. We spared no expense.

9 – The Ending. Mr. Hammond dies in the book but survives in the movie. You finally want kids because that night you spent with them in a tree (not weird, I promise), which I guess you get to have your own kids with a blonde paleobotanist. Ian Malcolm proves his Chaos Theory and finally shuts up about it. The dinosaurs are left on the island to fend for themselves. And most importantly, we all look at birds differently now.

10 – The Heart. Life finds a way. It’s as if there’s a mass fantasy of living with dinosaurs, or at least getting to see them in real life. What is that? Anyway, it’s fun to watch, scary and exciting and inspiring. And I would still totally visit a dinosaur theme park, even knowing what could happen.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Jurassic Park. Michael Crichton and David Koepp wrote the screenplay based on the novel by Michael Crichton.

How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall

How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Get dumped while you are naked by the long term girlfriend you met while making a tv show for Judd Apatow. Have Judd Apatow tell you that you’re going to have to write your own movie because you’re just a bit too weird to be cast as a normal leading man. Get Judd Apatow to produce a movie where you and your friends get to spend three months in Hawaii making out with Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis so you can show the fun sexy footage to your ex-girlfriend and millions of other people.

2 – The Genre. Comedy as produced by Judd Apatow. And even though this is weirdly Jason Segel’s real life therapeutic revenge movie, the film itself is a delightful romantic comedy with a great cast in a beautiful setting. Also this is Hollywood history because Jason Segel shows his penis on screen. In a comedy. It’s big. Like, a big deal. For its genre.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you just got naked-dumped. So now, you naked-sleep with a bunch of women in Los Angeles, then end up in Hawaii where a hot girl at the front desk takes pity on you and gives you a penthouse suite for free. Wait that doesn’t sound so bad. Oh but you want your ex back and can’t have her and she’s on this island resort with you and her new boyfriend. Also you drink a lot and haven’t finished your Dracula musical yet. Ouch.

4 – The Fun Stuff. We get to see Jason Segel’s dick. It’s a good dick that is important to the story because it is based on true events. We can even name his character Peter to remind everyone that we do in fact see his peter. Dicking around aside, we get to go to Hawaii and make out with attractive people and do comedy bits with our friends! Paul Rudd as a middle-aged surf instructor, Jonah Hill as a waiter obsessed with a rock star, Bill Hader as a voice of reason step-brother, and Jack McBrayer as a virgin that lets us add even more sexual comedy into this sexy comedy. Also let’s make fun of how many people get married or engaged in Hawaii, as to rub the singleness into Jason Segel’s wounds. It is funny when he cries.

5 – The Device. Dracula Musical. Peter is writing a musical with puppets but hasn’t finished it because of his depression or whatever. Is he depressed over the breakup, or did the breakup happen because of his depression? Anyway, you must complete your creative work (like this screenplay) before you can truly win over the person you like, and the creative work is what gets Jason Segel out of the depression. Wow. Okay, Dracula Musical. I guess you’re important.

6 – The Boyfriend. We write him to be a pretentious novelist, but when comedian Russell Brand auditions he wins over the role. Your villain is a rock star who makes silly/sexy songs that you can write yourself if you want more royalties. He becomes a bigger villain when it turns out that not only did your ex dump you for him, she cheated on you with him for a year. Big ouch.

7 – The Jokes. Good thing you have funny friends with improv training that you put in your movie, so you don’t even have to write some of it – just let improvisers make stuff up on set! Oh, and the “the weather outside is weather” joke costs us $90,000 in royalty fees but the joke really hits well with test audiences so we keep it. Oh yeah, we test a lot of the jokes with different audiences before the final cut is released. We are Hollywood professionals.

8 – The Title. “You Suck, Sarah Marshall”. No. “My Mother Always Hated You, Sarah Marshall”. No, but we can put up billboards with similar sentiments up all over town to promote this movie because pictures of Jason’s face don’t test well with audiences. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is memorable as a title.

9 – The Ending. Dracula Musical! Jason stops drinking and finishes his magnum opus in a vampire puppet musical about Dracula and premieres it in Los Angeles. Mila Kunis shows up to see the musical and then his penis! They kiss and prove that Peter really has forgotten what’s her name.

10 – The Heart. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about Jason Segel getting his shit together. He wrote it about his real life and made a lot of money off of it, so, breakups do pay. In fact, writing a screenplay about your breakup is better than therapy because you get a free trip to wherever you wrote about when you’re done. Smart guy.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Jason Segel did.

How to Write Edward Scissorhands

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How to Write Edward Scissorhands

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Grow up in Burbank, California. Feel like you don’t belong in what is essentially a retirement community for Disney animators. While you are a teenager, make a drawing of a lonely boy with scissors for hands, and while you are an adult, show that drawing to a new novelist you hire to write the full script.

2 – The Genre. Tim Burton is his own genre, but in case you don’t know his other films, I think maybe “Sad Christmas” defines it? “Chilly Bittersweet Innocence” maybe? And “Johnny Depp with music by Danny Elfman”. Do some research by watching old horror movies from the 1930s/40s for this particular film, though. While it’s not so much scary, we do pull from a lot of classic scary movies.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You have scissors for hands and cut anything you touch, including your own face! You live alone in a castle and your creator, the only person who can give you hands, died! You have a crush on Winona Ryder and want to touch her but can’t because you have scissors for hands!

4 – The Fun Stuff. Sharp fingers can be a bonus, you know. You can start an artistic gardening business. Or be a dog groomer. Ice sculpting, perhaps? How about opening a hair salon for the sexy neighborhood women? There are so many opportunities for an ambitious young man with scissors for hands in this weird neighborhood where people only paint their houses one of four bland colors. For a brief moment in time, suburbia accepts the lonely man with scissors for hands. Oh we can give a first on screen acting job to a future Backstreet Boy – Nick Carter is the kid on the slip and slide in the front yard. Super fun.

5 – The Device. Scissorhands. It represents the feeling of not belonging. Not being a complete human. Not finished. Lonely. Who can you touch when you have scissors for hands? Why did it have to be scissors? Couldn’t we have used chopsticks? Or even just boxing gloves? Edward Chopstickhands doesn’t have quite the ring to it, I guess. Okay let’s go with scissors.

6 – The Bully. Anthony Michael Hall bulked up from his days as the geek in 1980s teen comedies and now plays bad guys and in his off time does drugs with Robert Downey, Jr. It gives you a chance to write a fantasy revenge story where you get to kill the high school jock with your sweet scissorhands and gravity.

7 – The Jokes. Avon lady calling! Dianne Wiest is charming and funny and perfect as the door-to-door make up selling surburban mom who takes in the weird guy from the castle on the hill. He has scissors for hands and could use a good astringent, which makes him an ideal satisfied Avon customer.

8 – The Title. Scissorhands. No, that sounds like a scary movie. Make it more human. Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. He will make a good Halloween costume. Edward Chopstickhands would also be a good Halloween costume, if anyone wants some inspiration.

9 – The Ending. Winona Ryder tells the neighborhood that Edward was killed by showing them a removed scissorhand she found in the castle. Winona finally gets to hold Edward’s hand – by holding it up to show everyone he is dead. Sad and beautiful. Edward goes back into hiding in his castle, living alone for the rest of his years. Who knows how long he will live – he doesn’t age, like Winona Ryder does at the beginning and end of this movie. Bookending the narrative with an old person telling a tale is a tribute to gothic storytelling, and fits into the Frankenstein motif. Oh also thank goodness that first job as a Disney animator gave you access to make your own films. It makes sense that one of your other films gets turned into a Disney ride during the holidays, as if you were always tied to Disney, little Tim Burton from Burbank.

10 – The Heart. It snows on Christmas because Edward Scissorhands still loves old Winona Ryder and the only way he can show his love is through the magical yet lonely art of ice sculpting. It’s sweet. It’s a romantic 1990s Frankenstein. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

…*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Edward Scissorhands. Caroline Thompson did from a story by Tim Burton.

How to Write Home Alone

Home Alone Poster

How to Write Home Alone

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Plan a vacation with your spouse. List off all the things you need to pack, and realize how funny it would be if you forgot to pack one of your children. Hilarious. Write a movie about it because you’ve already written several other successful films and let some guy named Chris Columbus direct it. Not the guy that initiated the destruction of the Native Americans, but the guy that wrote Gremlins, The Goonies, and goes on to direct Mrs. Doubtfire and two Harry Potter films. Very different Chris.

2 – The Genre. Family Holiday movie. Make sure every frame of the movie looks like a Christmas card. Place it in the same suburb that you use in all of your movies because it snows in Chicago and snow is necessary for a Christmas movie in the Northern Hemisphere. Christmas movies need to be cold and white and red and green.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Your child is left home alone. By you. And if that doesn’t make you feel like a bad parent, your child befriends the town’s alleged murderer and then is attacked by burglars while they invade your house. Pretty much a parent’s worst nightmare. At least you didn’t leave the garage door open. Oh wait, you did. At least the last time you saw your son – Kevin? Yeah, that’s the one – he only likes cheese pizza – got at least one slice of cheese pizza on the last night you spent alone together, yes? No? Wow, parents. Just wow. Enjoy your flight to Paris.

4 – The Fun Stuff. A kid takes care of himself and and acts as your home security system while you vacation in Paris. Let Kevin really torture these silly burglars better than any silly alarm or security company could do. We can get violent, because of the cartoon-like innocence of actor Macauley Culkin and the over the top acting from the bad guys. We want Kevin to really beat up these terrible middle-aged men, so a blowtorch to the head, an iron on the face, and an ancient feather torture technique will play well with the audience. We giggle at the violence. These bad guys steal stuff on Christmas. That’s bad. But what’s good is that we can get John Williams to compose the score after he is enchanted by a rough cut of the film.

5 – The Old Man. Kevin isn’t completely alone because he meets the weird old man who supposedly murdered his own family! I mean the weird old man did figuratively murder his family by estranging himself from his son, but Kevin helps him with that. The old man also comes in handy when the bad guys get really bad and he comes to save the day with a shovel! It’s good to have old friends.

6 – The Burglars. We need bad guys who have a sense of humor. Well, they can carry the comedy necessary to handle all of the violence we put upon them. Do you think I’m funny? Yes, I do, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. Also, Joe, when you have the urge to use the “f” word, can you choose “fridge”? This isn’t Goodfellas, so you need to be a good fellow. And we pay Stern his asking rate because he’s the voice of Kevin on the hit tv show The Wonder Years and has a great agent. He’s also a talented actor who has better chemistry with Joe than that first actor we hired and had to replace with Daniel.

7 – The Jokes. Thank goodness you got your first job as a joke writer for an ad agency, then lampooned jokes for a national magazine before writing several successful feature films. The audience liked your jokes then, and you prove yourself over the next twenty years of your comedy movie writing career, even under the pseudonym “Edmund Dantes” as a not-so-subtle Count of Monte Cristo reference when you write the Jennifer Lopez movie Maid in Manhattan but don’t want to be seen next to it. Busted, John Hughes! Now everyone knows.

8 – The Title. Home Alone. It’s simple and to the point and the audience can drink their eggnog when the burglars realize that the kid is “Home Alone”, thus obeying the first rule of movie drinking games – drink when a character says the name of the movie. Make sure to provide non-alcoholic eggnog for the children in the audience. This is a family drinking movie. Also, let’s make kids feel alone in their own homes, so make sure we never actually see Kevin’s room. Weird, right?

9 – The Ending. Kevin gets his family back on Christmas after defeating the bad guys. This is a family film, after all, so of course the kid survives. We need him for the sequel. We also need the bad guys for the sequel, so thank goodness no one dies in this violent yet family-friendly movie. Mom takes a road trip with a Polka band and John Candy, which is punishment enough, because, you know, polka sucks. At least John Candy is good friends with our mom actor Catherine O’Hara from their Canadian improv days, so we can let John Candy improvise these scenes. We only get him for 23 hours anyway, but it’s kind of a thing to put him in movies you’ve written lately. The rest of the family shows up three minutes later after waiting for that direct flight, kind of rubbing it in mom’s face for taking a rough road trip. The mom really gets punished for leaving her son home alone. The dad, not so much, even though he is the one that throws away Kevin’s airline ticket.

10 – The Heart. Family matters. Kevin learns that he actually loves his family and wants them around, no matter how insulting or annoying they are. Being Home Alone is far worse. But he did it. He survived unharmed and didn’t burn the house down. What a tough kid. You know what, I think we can take another family vacation next year.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Home Alone. John Hughes did.

How to Write Die Hard

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How to Write Die Hard

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Read a book called Nothing Lasts Forever that was written after the novelist had a dream after watching the movie Towering Inferno, which itself was based on two different books based on true stories about skyscrapers on fire. Nothing is original.

2 – The Genre. Action Thriller. There are terrorists and Bruce Willis and it’s 1988 so, duh. Wait, Bruce Willis, that funny guy from the tv show Moonlighting? Let’s try some proven action movie stars first, eh? How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? Oh, he wants to do comedy now as Danny DeVito’s twin brother. Fine. With no Arnold, and no chance of this being a loose Commando sequel even though we have the same writer, we can offer this super sexy action role to Richard Gere, Clint Eastwood, Burt Reynolds, Sylvester Stallone, Harrison Ford, Nick Nolte, and Mel Gibson. They all say no? Legally, we do have to offer this to Frank Sinatra because Die Hard is technically a sequel to a film he made twenty years ago but he’s old now and says no. Fine. Go with that guy from Moonlighting. What’s his name? Bruce Willis.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Terrorists take your wife hostage the night you try to win her back. The terrorists don’t like you very much, because turns out, you happen to be their biggest complication. Also Bruce Willis chose his cop life over his wife’s fancy corporate career and didn’t follow her across the country because he needs to show her how good of a cop he is but now she goes by her maiden name 3,000 miles away, so, it’s complicated.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Let’s put Bruce Willis through Hell. First of all, don’t give him shoes – make him barefoot for most of the movie. And let’s only give him an undershirt that starts as a white tank top and is so covered in sweat, blood, and fallout from all of the gunblasts and explosions that it is black by the end. Also remember that Dying Hard doesn’t just mean physical life, it can also mean not letting a relationship die. One could argue that the wife needs to see how hard Bruce Willis loves her – like making him walk over glass barefoot, falling out of buildings and then jumping back into them, and watching her get hit on by a creep. Oh and make sure to film the most dangerous stunt first, because if Bruce Willis gets hurt, it is cheaper to replace him as an actor at the beginning of filming than it is to re-film the entire movie if he gets hurt at the end and we don’t have all the footage we need. Good thing he didn’t get hurt that first day! Right, Bruce? We only have your best interest at heart.

5 – The Device. Terrorists! It’s the 1980s, after all, so terrorists are an easy villain, both for Hollywood screenwriters and the Reagan administration. The biggest terrorist is Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman in his first film role. We don’t want to get political on this movie, so give the terrorists some selfish financial reasons for the attack instead of political ones, making them just plain thieves instead of terrorists. Also not to get political, but one of the offices used for filming the movie becomes a real life office for post-Presidency Ronald Reagan.

6 – The Cops. Bruce Willis needs some friends on the ground, and his connection to the cop is what saves the day. Family Matters. That’s where we know that actor from, the hit show Family Matters, or really any of the other movies and tv shows that Reginald VelJohnson plays a cop – there are dozens. But the other cops on the scene aren’t the biggest fans of Bruce Willis, maybe from his singing career, so they don’t want him negotiating with the terrorists and would rather sacrifice their own officers.

7 – The Jokes. Yippie kai-yay, joke writers, because Bruce Willis is now a sex symbol! Have fun with the lines because we need scenes that will be good memes twenty some years later when we need to promote the blu-ray when blu-rays are still a thing and we decide to reboot this franchise with Justin Long from those computer commercials.

8 – The Title. Die Hard. While the book title “Nothing Lasts Forever” sounds like a James Bond movie, we need something simple that gets dudes pumped. Die. Sure, but how? Die HARD. Yeah. What about the female demographic, you ask? It’s the 1980s. The only women who go to movie theaters are on dates with men who pay to see action stars topless and sweaty.

9 – The Ending. Bruce Willis doesn’t die, so the title is kind of misleading. It’s like sure, I expected it to be difficult, but it does say Die Hard, not Almost Die Hard. Oh, you’re saying the other people die hard? But actually all of the people that die in this movie die pretty easily. It’s the people that stay alive that death hasn’t gotten yet that Die Hard. An alternate title of this movie could be “If you stick with me, you’ll stay alive”, which is what Bruce Willis says directly to his then unknown villain about sixty percent through the plotline. No one says Die Hard in this movie, which goes against the first and easiest rule of all cinematic drinking games – drink when someone in the movie says the name of the movie. Doesn’t happen in Die Hard. Drink when someone dies easily and you won’t remember it tomorrow.

10 – The Heart. Christmas! Wait, what? Santa kind of comes to save the day in the form of Bruce Willis, but it’s a great way to remind your friends that Die Hard is technically a Christmas movie and a romance that could be called “Bruce Willis Gets His Wife Back on Christmas While Other People Die Pretty Easily”. Yeah, at the heart, Die Hard is about a man who just wants his wife back for Christmas. And all I want for Christmas is for you to know that…

…*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Die Hard. Jeb Stuart and Steven E. de Souza did based on the novel Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp.

How to Write Back to the Future part 3

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How to Write Back to the Future part 3

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Write a sequel so long that you have to make two movies out of it. Call all three films a trilogy because it sounds more professional and less like you couldn’t edit yourself.

2 – The Genre. Different than the first two, actually. What? Yes! This is a Western, mostly, and even partially a Romance! Sure, we have time travel and DeLoreans and promotional agreements with Nike and we eventually do get Back to the Future, but first, Marty becomes a cowboy and finds out Doc can dance with the woman we add to the poster!

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Since this is the third of a trilogy, the worst that could happen is this movie being terrible. Thank goodness we are seasoned writers by this point and know what we are doing and this movie is great. In order for it to be great, it has to make sense with parts one and two but still have its own story. Same but different. What’s the 1885 version of the skateboarding scene – Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen drags Marty on a noose from horseback through town and hangs him in an attempt to kill him. This ain’t the 1950s anymore. At least we hang Marty in front of the newly built Courthouse, with the Clock nearby so we can show the audience the history of Hill Valley. Let’s just have Marty get saved by the sniper shot from Doc. Sweet. Also, the Back to the Future trilogy could be considered a “time-dash Harold” for all of you improv students out there. Same scene, same location, similar characters, different details from the time period. But this time, the time period is the rough and tumble Old West, so of course our 1885 villain almost instantly kills the 1985 teenager.

4 – The Fun Stuff. The Old West! What’s complicated is also what’s fun! Trains! Horses! Throwing explosives into a ravine to blow stuff up! Cool hats and ponchos and gun fights! But structurally, you get to play with reversing things from part one – Doc warns Marty about the future, they switch who says “This is heavy” and “Great Scott” by the end. Doc is the one that says “I’m from the future, I came here in a time machine that I invented.”, reversing the speech given to him by Marty in part one. You don’t have to write a new movie, just invert the lines from the first one!

5 – The Device. It’s the thing that makes time travel possible. This time it is a train. We’re going back to the “how are we going to get you Back to the Future?” question. It worked and we can answer it again without lightning. Oh, and the studio backlot does not look like the Old West, so we are building an entire Hill Valley 1885 up in Northern California near a train museum that will let us use their locomotive. Ironically, that set gets burnt down after being struck by lightning.

6 – The Clara. Doc gets a lady friend. Finally. School teacher Clara Clayton reveals a softer side of Doctor Emmett. Have Clara wear purple and like science and adore Jules Verne. Oh, and why Jules Verne, author of From the Earth to the Moon, and not H.G. Wells, the author of The Time Machine? Turns out timing. H.G. Wells won’t publish that book for another decade, also it’s a bit too “on the nose” for a time travel movie, and Jules Verne is a delightful reference.

7 – The Jokes. Just like the first two, same but different, but this time, 1885 is different and way more deadly than 1985. Confuse the cowboys with things like Nike, running, Frisbees, and 7-11 jokes. Let’s see if we can get now former President Ronald Reagan to play Mayor of Hill Valley 1885. Oh, he doesn’t remember that he used to be an actor? Sad. Let’s at least get ZZ Top to play at the dance, they’re writing a new song for part three and look like they belong in the Old West anyway.

8 – The Title. A Fistful of Dollars. No, but we make a lot more money that with Back to the Future part 3. That Clint Eastwood movie is just what we pay homage to in the shootout before we send Marty Back to the Future. Part three is where we get to steal all the great scenes and shots from classic Westerns because no one watches Westerns in the late 1980s but can kind of get the references from those old Eastwood movies. Oh and remember to add a third person to the poster, because Back to the Future part 3. Three people.

9 – The Ending. We’ve got to end the Western homage, then we’ve got to save Clara and Doc’s relationship, then we have to get Marty Back to the Future, then we’ve got to destroy the DeLorean, then we’ve got to deal with Marty’s insecurities about being called a chicken, then we have Marty open up emotionally to Jennifer by showing her the destroyed time machine, then boom, another time machine with Doc and his new family. Lots of endings here. But when we are done with all of the endings, make sure people know that this is the end of all Back to the Future movies by putting “The End” after Doc’s train time machine takes off into the screen, as if a tribute to one of the first moving pictures “A Train Leaves the Station” by the Lumiere Brothers. But really, this is The End.

10 – The Heart. “The Future is what you make it, so make it a good one.” Doc gives Marty some good advice. He was the first one that told Marty “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” in part one. While part one is about learning to love your parents, the entire trilogy is about a friendship that stands the test of time.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Back to the Future part 3. Bob Gale did from a story he and Robert Zemeckis developed.