How to Write Bridesmaids

BridesmaidsPoster

How to Write Bridesmaids

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. If you don’t already have funny friends, move to a major city and take a class on something called “improvisation”.

2 – The Genre. Comedy. With women. But nowadays we just say “Comedy” and not “Female Comedy” or “Chick Flick”. Funny is funny. People are people.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You mess up all the fun plans before your best friend’s wedding because you kind of suck at life and you’re letting your depression affect your friendships. Your cake business failed and you are sleeping with a jerk, albeit a handsome one. All of your friends are doing so well that you are the only one who can’t afford a first class flight. You have to move in with your mother and worst of all, your best friend might have a new best friend.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Being a Bridesmaid is fun, right? Planning parties, shopping for dresses, and adventurous lunches! Food poisoning while trying on expensive dresses! Getting Kristen Wiig drunk on an airplane! Of course there’s the wedding to look forward to at the end of the movie. Audiences like looking forward to a big event, and it will be awesome if we can get Wilson Phillips to sing a hit song at the reception.

5 – The Cop. A guy with authority who can pull you over for not fixing your tail light. A guy who will let you do cop stuff with him, then sexy stuff, and then baking stuff. Give him a cool non-American accent and let him be super into you. Good guys exist.

6 – The Melissa. We need a voice of reason. Someone who has their shit together and doesn’t abandon Annie at her worst. Also someone who is capable at handling a bunch of golden retrievers. Melissa McCarthy, although already a successful television actor, makes a breakout in this movie. Let her choose her styling – apparently she doesn’t want her character to wear makeup. And cast her husband in it as her romantic interest because they are adorable together.

7 – The Jokes. Comedians, attack! While the script is hilarious, we have the best comedic talent in the business in this movie. Let them soar! Women are funny, damn it! Women can shit themselves in the middle of the street and make it tasteful! Women can tell jokes! (Although a woman did not direct this movie, Paul Feig knows how to let women shine.)

8 – The Title. Bridesmaids, because you know, they’re all bridesmaids. I guess we could go with “My Best Friend’s Wedding” but that has been taken and “Sorry I Ruined Your Bachelorette Party” is too long. Keep it simple.

9 – The Ending. “Fight for your shitty life!” yells Melissa McCarthy and then amazingly Annie gets her shit together. It’s inspiring. I kind of want someone to yell at me like that. Annie opens a bakery, makes amends to those she hurt, and saves the wedding by finding the bride the morning of. Oh, and she gets the hot cop and makes new friends while dancing along to “Hold On” next to Wilson Phillips.

10 – The Heart. Bridesmaids is a movie about friends made by actual friends. There’s a reason the main character is named Annie. She’s one of the writers. You can tell that these two besties who met in an improv class really love each other and love making a great movie.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Bridesmaids. Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig did.

How to Write The Breakfast Club

How to Write The Breakfast Club

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Assume that Hollywood won’t give a new director a huge budget, so come up with some story that uses only five main actors and one affordable location.

2 – The Genre. Teenage Angst makes a lot of money because teenagers don’t know that adults were once teenagers that can now write about that experience with a college education. It is best said by the brain named Brian – “You see us in the simplest of terms, and the most convenient definitions.” Seriously, make your main characters broad strokes of things you remembered from high school, just tell us that’s what you’re doing at the beginning.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? The characters are already in trouble, so getting more punishment is worse. Also not being friends after this is a huge threat. And also maybe not being able to define yourself as something more than just a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, or a criminal. You can be everything, but only after making friends with the things you’re not.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Detention, am I right? Detention is so much fun. Well, misbehaving in Detention can be fun. Let’s stick it to the man. Let’s rebel. Let’s play by our own rules but still kind of play by the Principal’s and our parents’ rules because we aren’t considered adults yet and the budget doesn’t let us leave the interior of the High School. Let’s just run around this school. Add music and marijuana and some iconic poses.

5 – The Device. Bender is the device. His “Criminal” antics drive the plot, from unhinging the door to the Principal’s office to making Molly Ringwald feel uncomfortable to providing the marijuana. This would be a boring morning in detention if it weren’t for John Bender.

6 – The Principal. He’s the bad guy. “The Establishment”. The adult who hates his job but is stuck in adulthood with bills and alimony and an ill-fitting suit he bought at an outlet mall. Counterbalance him with a cool adult – the Janitor who has a shitty job but knows everything about the school and seems totally fine with going through teenage garbage.

7 – The Jokes. The Criminal isn’t the only funny person. We really do laugh when the Principal looks foolish. It’s the teenagers in all of us.

8 – The Title. The Breakfast Club sounds great. No one will notice or be bothered by the fact that the only meal that is consumed on screen is lunch. No one eats breakfast in this movie, but The Lunch Club doesn’t look good on a poster.

9 – The Ending. These five strange teenagers learn that their differences aren’t so different. But will they be friends on Monday? Will Claire ask for her diamond earring back? Will Bender be stuck forever, frozen in time on a football field with a fist in the air?

10 – The Heart. Just read Brian’s essay. He’s the only character that writes one.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write The Breakfast Club. John Hughes did.

How to Write Jaws

jawsposter

How to Write Jaws

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Read a book called Jaws by Peter Benchley. Or at least kind of look at the plot synopsis if you get a chance. There are some dudes and a shark and it’s New England in the 1970s. It’s fine, we write most of the script on set anyway and we are sending copies of the book to major influencers who won’t read the book either but will help get it on the bestsellers list.

2 – The Genre. Chief Brody is already scared of the water. But do you know what is scarier than water? Sharks in the water. Oooooh. Wouldn’t it be fun to make rational humans terrified of the ocean? Let’s invest in hotel pools because people at beach front resorts won’t go in the water after watching this movie. Let’s also figure out why a guy who is scared of the water would get a job on a small island. It’s also kind of based on true stories. Scary stuff.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? A shark kills you and your family and everyone vacationing at a summer resort town and that cute dog Pippin. There’s also a Mayor that won’t close the beaches and won’t tell Alex Kintner’s mother there’s a hungry shark out there, because you know, profits.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Shark attacks. More shark attacks. Like, the most shark attacks ever. Just think of all the cool things you can do on screen because we are using a mechanical shark and not a real one. We really want to see a lot of this shark.

5 – The Device. Write more land-based scenes because our mechanical shark doesn’t work. What else could be a shark? Barrels. Yeah, use barrels to indicate that a shark is there. How about sound? Use music to indicate that a shark is there. But we don’t have a huge budget so maybe only two notes and a basic beat? Thanks. Let’s film in the editor’s pool so we can get one last scare – just of Hooper seeing a dead guy, not a shark. People are also scared of dead guys. Just don’t let anyone know we don’t have much footage of the shark. Oh the shark works now? Great! Oh wait it sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic? No one needs to know. What else could be a shark?

6 – The Hunter. Quint can be a villain. He’s old and probably smells like fish and can scare an entire room with his fingernails and a chalkboard. Yeah, Quint is the shark now. Also the Mayor sucks.

7 – The Jokes. Jokes? How about stories? Jokes are too short and we need to eat up more dry time. Let’s have Quint tell some scary story about sharks. That will work. Yeah. People go to shark movies to hear people tell stories about sharks. You don’t really have to write this part, that’s why we hire improvisers. We also kill improvisers on screen. Bye bye, Quint.

8 – The Title. It’s Jaws. We’re sticking with it. We’ve already got the poster.

9 – The Ending. Let Hooper live! Let Hooper live! Let Hooper live! (Hooper dies in the book). Also pretty sure that Chief Brody is still scared of the water after this. But hey, the shark dies in a glorious bloody explosion. Wait, where’s the director? Steven left the set? Is he scared of his crew or something? Hello?

10 – The Heart. Oh shit. This movie is fantastic and terrifying. Congratulations. No idea how you did it, but keep it up.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Jaws. Peter Benchley wrote the novel and co-wrote the screenplay with Carl Gottlieb.