How to Write Any Indiana Jones Movie

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Make sandcastles on the beach while escaping the fans of your latest popular movie. Tell your buddy about this adventurer named after your dog that you thought of before you wrote Star Wars, and convince him to direct it and all the sequels. Easy enough.

2 – The Genre. Watch what is called a “B movie”. See more than one. What’s cool is that you can borrow a bunch of scenes from all those B movies you watched because the time you live in doesn’t have the internet**, so no one can reference what you’re taking from and they think you are original. “Homage” is a legally accepted term for stealing.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Nazis. Trust me, put Nazis as the villains in your Indiana Jones movie or it won’t be good. Remember that the hero is only as good as the villain is bad.

4 – The Fun Stuff. This is where you put all of your favorite references. That boulder chase from a Scrooge McDuck comic. The hat and jacket from something Charlton Heston wore once. Let’s put something from Casablanca in – the original female love interest can be an alcoholic bar owner, just like Rick, and let’s make the scenes in her bar pay “homage” to that classic film. Also anytime Marion Ravenwood isn’t drinking, we can put a monkey on her back. It gets really fun if you just talk with your movie friends about all the fun stuff you want to put in and have an actual screenwriter write it.***

5 – The Device. This is the thing that the villains want. It is old. It might be referenced in a major religious text, it might just be a myth that you heard from your dentist as a kid. It doesn’t really matter what the actual object is, whether it is a “radio for speaking to God” or the cup that “brings eternal life”.  We all know that Indiana Jones just leads the villains to the object and they destroy themselves with it in some cinematically impressive way. Spoilers.

6 – The Adventurer. Ironically, you don’t actually need Indiana Jones to make a good Indiana Jones movie. You just need a good object that people understand and a bad villain that people don’t understand because they don’t speak American. Indiana Jones is just the go-between for the object and the villain. But since we need someone on the poster, and Tom Selleck won’t shave his mustache, let’s put our buddy Harrison Ford in. He’s scruffy looking. He could use more work, I’m sure.

7 – The Jokes. Of course it is funny, this is supposed to be a cheesy B movie. Let’s put comedy in the reactions character’s have to snakes, spiders, boulders, and using a gun in a sword fight.

8 – The Title. Indiana Jones and… a mystical object. Also you might have to change the name of the original “Raiders of the Lost Ark” to include Indiana Jones, but only after it goes to VHS. After that just stick to the Indiana Jones and….formula. It works. 

9 – The Ending. The villain destroys itself because it hasn’t earned the right to use found magical object. Indiana Jones survives because he knows how to respect the object. It’s best if you say something fun like “don’t look at it” to an audience that has to watch it in order to know what happens. Super fans close their eyes during that scene. Don’t look at the Ark or your face will melt. Challenge accepted. 

10 – The Heart. This rough and tumble version of James Bond is fun to watch. It might even contain some mystical knowledge left behind from aliens centuries ago that only the top minds get to encounter. What do we do with any Indiana Jones movie? Let’s not store them away in a box. Let’s go watch them again.

*L.A. Zvirbulis has not written any Indiana Jones movie. Not yet, at least.

Raiders of the Lost Ark – screenplay written by Lawrence Kasdan from a story by George Lucas and Philip Kaufman. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – screenplay by Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz from a story by George Lucas. Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade – screenplay by Jeffrey Boam from a story by George Lucas and Menno Meyjes. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – screenplay by David Koepp from a story by George Lucas and Jeff Nathanson.

**Here’s a link to a side-by-side comparison of Raiders of the Lost Ark and other movies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns8bG9AbfwM

***Here’s a link to the transcript of George, Steven, and Larry talking about story ideas for Raiders of the Lost Ark. http://maddogmovies.com/almost/scripts/raidersstoryconference1978.pdf