films – How To Write Your Favorite Movie

rocky-poster

How to Write Rocky

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Beat yourself up for having “not made it” in Hollywood yet. Write a script in three and a half days after you sell your dog. This is not a story about a winner. It is kind of a story about boxer Chuck Wepner lasting almost a full fifteen rounds against Muhammad Ali unexpectedly in 1975. We settle with Wepner out of court for this little inspiration years later, and you do get to buy your dog back. Phew.

2 – The Genre. Oscar bait. I mean, inspirational drama Oscar bait that gets you a bunch of awards and international recognition. I guess this is a story about a winner. Best Picture winner, to be exact. Ten nominations, Adrian!

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re a loser. A has been. A nobody. You could have been a contender. You gave up on yourself and now beat up dudes to collect money. And all you want to do in life is to get punched repeatedly by the world heavy weight champion in front of millions of television viewers and your new girlfriend Adrian. Also the studio is thinking of casting someone else, an existing star like Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds. Maybe you’ll never make it in Hollywood.

4 – The Fun Stuff. You win the role of Rocky. You would have beaten yourself up if the movie was a success without you in it, but now that you’re in it, you get to beat other people up! The most fun will be getting your butt in gear to a sweet montage. Training like a champion – specifically training like real boxer Joe Frazier – drinking raw eggs, punching dead cow carcasses in a meat locker, jogging up stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum and making them famous with a fist pump. But we can also provide soundtracks to people working out and inspire real life people to run up those stairs while listening to that song and pumping their own fists in the air. Life imitates art, after all.

5 – The Device. World Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali, but in the script we call him Apollo Creed. He’s the best, regularly knocking out professional boxers. To gain some more press, Apollo hosts a mock exhibition match against a marketable Southpaw – The Italian Stallion. Apollo gives Rocky the chance to fight him, so while he is the opponent, he is also the savior. I’m not sure Jesus ever asked anyone to fight him for money, but he did provide ways for people to reach their full potentials. So. There’s that.

6 – The Coach. Rocky needs someone who believed in him once but doesn’t believe in him right now but could possibly believe in him again if he got his act together. Burgess Meredith, the guy from one of the most famous episodes of The Twilight Zone – the one where the guy is the last man alive on Earth and just wants to read, but when he finally finds the library he steps on his glasses and can’t read. He doesn’t want to read in this movie, though, he wants to train boxers. It’s just cool that we can afford an actor from The Twilight Zone. And even though we only have a million dollar budget, we can also afford a Coppola.

7 – The Jokes. “Yo, Adrian!” The charm in this movie comes from Rocky’s love for Adrian, played by Francis Ford Coppola’s sister Talia Shire. He really fights for her love by making her laugh with jokes, and then makes love to her after buying animals from her pet store.

8 – The Title. Rocky. Rocky 2. Rocky 3. Rocky 4. Rocky Balboa. Creed. Creed 2. Wow this really is a franchise. Let’s just start with Rocky.

9 – The Ending. You lose the fight, but you last all the rounds. You make it to the end and don’t get taken down by the world heavyweight champion. Sure, you loosely based the story on a real life boxing match, but that script you write in three and half days earns you an Academy Award nomination for Best Screenplay. Congrats, winner. Even though you didn’t win the Oscar for writing, you do win a career.

10 – The Heart. Rocky wins the heart of Adrian and launches Sylvester Stallone into the hearts of viewers around the world. Sly not only stars in all of the sequels but also writes and directs most of them as well. This really is a story about a winner. And this article is to remind you that Sylvester Stallone is an Academy Award nominated Screenwriter. (Fist pump).

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Rocky. Sylvester Stallone did. Seriously. Rambo wrote Rocky.

ScissorhandsPoster

How to Write Edward Scissorhands

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Grow up in Burbank, California. Feel like you don’t belong in what is essentially a retirement community for Disney animators. While you are a teenager, make a drawing of a lonely boy with scissors for hands, and while you are an adult, show that drawing to a new novelist you hire to write the full script.

2 – The Genre. Tim Burton is his own genre, but in case you don’t know his other films, I think maybe “Sad Christmas” defines it? “Chilly Bittersweet Innocence” maybe? And “Johnny Depp with music by Danny Elfman”. Do some research by watching old horror movies from the 1930s/40s for this particular film, though. While it’s not so much scary, we do pull from a lot of classic scary movies.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You have scissors for hands and cut anything you touch, including your own face! You live alone in a castle and your creator, the only person who can give you hands, died! You have a crush on Winona Ryder and want to touch her but can’t because you have scissors for hands!

4 – The Fun Stuff. Sharp fingers can be a bonus, you know. You can start an artistic gardening business. Or be a dog groomer. Ice sculpting, perhaps? How about opening a hair salon for the sexy neighborhood women? There are so many opportunities for an ambitious young man with scissors for hands in this weird neighborhood where people only paint their houses one of four bland colors. For a brief moment in time, suburbia accepts the lonely man with scissors for hands. Oh we can give a first on screen acting job to a future Backstreet Boy – Nick Carter is the kid on the slip and slide in the front yard. Super fun.

5 – The Device. Scissorhands. It represents the feeling of not belonging. Not being a complete human. Not finished. Lonely. Who can you touch when you have scissors for hands? Why did it have to be scissors? Couldn’t we have used chopsticks? Or even just boxing gloves? Edward Chopstickhands doesn’t have quite the ring to it, I guess. Okay let’s go with scissors.

6 – The Bully. Anthony Michael Hall bulked up from his days as the geek in 1980s teen comedies and now plays bad guys and in his off time does drugs with Robert Downey, Jr. It gives you a chance to write a fantasy revenge story where you get to kill the high school jock with your sweet scissorhands and gravity.

7 – The Jokes. Avon lady calling! Dianne Wiest is charming and funny and perfect as the door-to-door make up selling surburban mom who takes in the weird guy from the castle on the hill. He has scissors for hands and could use a good astringent, which makes him an ideal satisfied Avon customer.

8 – The Title. Scissorhands. No, that sounds like a scary movie. Make it more human. Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. He will make a good Halloween costume. Edward Chopstickhands would also be a good Halloween costume, if anyone wants some inspiration.

9 – The Ending. Winona Ryder tells the neighborhood that Edward was killed by showing them a removed scissorhand she found in the castle. Winona finally gets to hold Edward’s hand – by holding it up to show everyone he is dead. Sad and beautiful. Edward goes back into hiding in his castle, living alone for the rest of his years. Who knows how long he will live – he doesn’t age, like Winona Ryder does at the beginning and end of this movie. Bookending the narrative with an old person telling a tale is a tribute to gothic storytelling, and fits into the Frankenstein motif. Oh also thank goodness that first job as a Disney animator gave you access to make your own films. It makes sense that one of your other films gets turned into a Disney ride during the holidays, as if you were always tied to Disney, little Tim Burton from Burbank.

10 – The Heart. It snows on Christmas because Edward Scissorhands still loves old Winona Ryder and the only way he can show his love is through the magical yet lonely art of ice sculpting. It’s sweet. It’s a romantic 1990s Frankenstein. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

…*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Edward Scissorhands. Caroline Thompson did from a story by Tim Burton.