How to Write Edward Scissorhands

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Grow up in Burbank, California. Feel like you don’t belong in what is essentially a retirement community for Disney animators. While you are a teenager, make a drawing of a lonely boy with scissors for hands, and while you are an adult, show that drawing to a new novelist you hire to write the full script. 

2 – The Genre. Tim Burton is his own genre, but in case you don’t know his other films, I think maybe “Sad Christmas” defines it? “Chilly Bittersweet Innocence” maybe? And “Johnny Depp with music by Danny Elfman”. Do some research by watching old horror movies from the 1930s/40s for this particular film, though. While it’s not so much scary, we do pull from a lot of classic scary movies.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You have scissors for hands and cut anything you touch, including your own face! You live alone in a castle and your creator, the only person who can give you hands, died! You have a crush on Winona Ryder and want to touch her but can’t because you have scissors for hands!

4 – The Fun Stuff.  Sharp fingers can be a bonus, you know. You can start an artistic gardening business. Or be a dog groomer. Ice sculpting, perhaps? How about opening a hair salon for the sexy neighborhood women? There are so many opportunities for an ambitious young man with scissors for hands in this weird neighborhood where people only paint their houses one of four bland colors. For a brief moment in time, suburbia accepts the lonely man with scissors for hands. Oh we can give a first on screen acting job to a future Backstreet Boy – Nick Carter is the kid on the slip and slide in the front yard. Super fun.

5 – The Device. Scissorhands. It represents the feeling of not belonging. Not being a complete human. Not finished. Lonely. Who can you touch when you have scissors for hands? Why did it have to be scissors? Couldn’t we have used chopsticks? Or even just boxing gloves? Edward Chopstickhands doesn’t have quite the ring to it, I guess. Okay let’s go with scissors.

6 – The Bully. Anthony Michael Hall bulked up from his days as the geek in 1980s teen comedies and now plays bad guys and in his off time does drugs with Robert Downey, Jr. It gives you a chance to write a fantasy revenge story where you get to kill the high school jock with your sweet scissorhands and gravity. 

7 – The Jokes.  Avon lady calling! Dianne Wiest is charming and funny and perfect as the door-to-door make up selling surburban mom who takes in the weird guy from the castle on the hill. He has scissors for hands and could use a good astringent, which makes him an ideal satisfied Avon customer. 

8 – The Title. Scissorhands. No, that sounds like a scary movie. Make it more human. Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. He will make a good Halloween costume. Edward Chopstickhands would also be a good Halloween costume, if anyone wants some inspiration.

9 – The Ending. Winona Ryder tells the neighborhood that Edward was killed by showing them a removed scissorhand she found in the castle. Winona finally gets to hold Edward’s hand – by holding it up to show everyone he is dead. Sad and beautiful. Edward goes back into hiding in his castle, living alone for the rest of his years. Who knows how long he will live – he doesn’t age, like Winona Ryder does at the beginning and end of this movie. Bookending the narrative with an old person telling a tale is a tribute to gothic storytelling, and fits into the Frankenstein motif. Oh also thank goodness that first job as a Disney animator gave you access to make your own films. It makes sense that one of your other films gets turned into a Disney ride during the holidays, as if you were always tied to Disney, little Tim Burton from Burbank.

10 – The Heart. It snows on Christmas because Edward Scissorhands still loves old Winona Ryder and the only way he can show his love is through the magical yet lonely art of ice sculpting. It’s sweet. It’s a romantic 1990s Frankenstein. I’m not crying. You’re crying.

…*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Edward Scissorhands. Caroline Thompson did from a story by Tim Burton.