How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall

How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Get dumped while you are naked by the long term girlfriend you met while making a tv show for Judd Apatow. Have Judd Apatow tell you that you’re going to have to write your own movie because you’re just a bit too weird to be cast as a normal leading man. Get Judd Apatow to produce a movie where you and your friends get to spend three months in Hawaii making out with Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis so you can show the fun sexy footage to your ex-girlfriend and millions of other people.

2 – The Genre. Comedy as produced by Judd Apatow. And even though this is weirdly Jason Segel’s real life therapeutic revenge movie, the film itself is a delightful romantic comedy with a great cast in a beautiful setting. Also this is Hollywood history because Jason Segel shows his penis on screen. In a comedy. It’s big. Like, a big deal. For its genre.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you just got naked-dumped. So now, you naked-sleep with a bunch of women in Los Angeles, then end up in Hawaii where a hot girl at the front desk takes pity on you and gives you a penthouse suite for free. Wait that doesn’t sound so bad. Oh but you want your ex back and can’t have her and she’s on this island resort with you and her new boyfriend. Also you drink a lot and haven’t finished your Dracula musical yet. Ouch.

4 – The Fun Stuff. We get to see Jason Segel’s dick. It’s a good dick that is important to the story because it is based on true events. We can even name his character Peter to remind everyone that we do in fact see his peter. Dicking around aside, we get to go to Hawaii and make out with attractive people and do comedy bits with our friends! Paul Rudd as a middle-aged surf instructor, Jonah Hill as a waiter obsessed with a rock star, Bill Hader as a voice of reason step-brother, and Jack McBrayer as a virgin that lets us add even more sexual comedy into this sexy comedy. Also let’s make fun of how many people get married or engaged in Hawaii, as to rub the singleness into Jason Segel’s wounds. It is funny when he cries.

5 – The Device. Dracula Musical. Peter is writing a musical with puppets but hasn’t finished it because of his depression or whatever. Is he depressed over the breakup, or did the breakup happen because of his depression? Anyway, you must complete your creative work (like this screenplay) before you can truly win over the person you like, and the creative work is what gets Jason Segel out of the depression. Wow. Okay, Dracula Musical. I guess you’re important.

6 – The Boyfriend. We write him to be a pretentious novelist, but when comedian Russell Brand auditions he wins over the role. Your villain is a rock star who makes silly/sexy songs that you can write yourself if you want more royalties. He becomes a bigger villain when it turns out that not only did your ex dump you for him, she cheated on you with him for a year. Big ouch.

7 – The Jokes. Good thing you have funny friends with improv training that you put in your movie, so you don’t even have to write some of it – just let improvisers make stuff up on set! Oh, and the “the weather outside is weather” joke costs us $90,000 in royalty fees but the joke really hits well with test audiences so we keep it. Oh yeah, we test a lot of the jokes with different audiences before the final cut is released. We are Hollywood professionals.

8 – The Title. “You Suck, Sarah Marshall”. No. “My Mother Always Hated You, Sarah Marshall”. No, but we can put up billboards with similar sentiments up all over town to promote this movie because pictures of Jason’s face don’t test well with audiences. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is memorable as a title.

9 – The Ending. Dracula Musical! Jason stops drinking and finishes his magnum opus in a vampire puppet musical about Dracula and premieres it in Los Angeles. Mila Kunis shows up to see the musical and then his penis! They kiss and prove that Peter really has forgotten what’s her name.

10 – The Heart. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about Jason Segel getting his shit together. He wrote it about his real life and made a lot of money off of it, so, breakups do pay. In fact, writing a screenplay about your breakup is better than therapy because you get a free trip to wherever you wrote about when you’re done. Smart guy.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Jason Segel did.

How to Write A League of Their Own

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How to Write A League of Their Own

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Have your friend ask you and your buddy to write a script after she watches a documentary about the real women who played in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League.** Also your friend is Penny Marshall, the first woman to direct a movie that generates over $100 million domestic box office (Big), a former tv comedy star (Laverne & Shirley), who has a brother that’s also a comedy star turned huge director (Garry Marshall). All signs this will be a good film, so you both say yes.

2 – The Genre. Nostalgic dramatic comedy that can be considered the best baseball movie ever. And while you might not agree about the best baseball movie, I think we can all agree that watching a sports movie is a better way to spend two hours than watching actual sports. If you’re playing a sport, that’s different. Nothing against sports, it’s just that movies are usually funnier and more dramatic, especially after men stopped wearing those tight short shorts in sports.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Women learn to love getting paid to play professional baseball and then get threatened to return to the kitchen once the war is over. Wait, the war ending is the worst thing that could happen? Oh also sexism is bad. Let’s add some sibling rivalry because the war ending can’t be the worst. Also please mention that African American women weren’t allowed to play at the time, but show that it’s a shame.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Sisters in sports. Of course you expect there to be rivalry, but you have to play against your own blood in the World Series? That’s tough. Your sister is Geena Davis? Ouch. You play for the opposite team now because you got transferred? This is what sports is all about. It’s not about what team you play for, it’s about winning the game. Or maybe letting your sister win the game. Is it really about winning? Who wins here? Just the audience?

5 – The Device. It is baseball. Specifically, it is the baseball that Dottie drops. The question is, does she do it on purpose? Would you drop the ball to let your little sister win because you love your sister more than you like playing baseball and you can just go home to have baby-making sex with your war hero husband? I would. But the answer is open to interpretation.

6 – The Coach. Let’s make Jimmy Dugan a tribute to Rick from Casablanca – a bitter alcoholic in the 1940s whose glory days are behind him and who loves a talented woman married to another man. We will delete their love scene in the final edit of the film, though.

7 – The Jokes. There is no crying in baseball but that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh during A League of Their Own. Remember that the director is a comedy star with a comedy brother and a bunch of comedy friends she can put in the movie. We can also get away with the line “Avoid the Clap” because kids don’t know about nicknames for STDs. I guess that means that Jimmy Dugan had gonorrhea at one point in his life. Ew.

8 – The Title. Take the title from that documentary Penny made you watch. It’s a good title.

9 – The Ending. Spoiler – Dottie drops the ball, letting her little sister Kit have all the glory during the first ever World Series of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Dottie leaves the game forever, but she goes back for the opening of AAGPL induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame and plays ball to a song that Madonna wrote just for the movie’s ending credits. Oh yeah, Madonna is in this movie. And after Megan Cavanuagh wins over the role as Marla Hooch, we need to find another role for Rosie O’Donnell because she’s funny and really good at baseball. Let’s turn one character into two characters, giving Madonna a best friend.

10 – The Heart. “When are you going to realize how special it was? How much it all meant?” It’s not about winning or losing, it is about being part of something bigger than yourself. The film A League of Their Own is released 50 years after the premiere of the real league. It’s beautiful. Go watch it. Or go write your own baseball movie. Actually, go outside and play catch with a family member.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write A League of Their Own. Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel did per the request of the director Penny Marshall, based on a story by Kim Wilson and Kelly Candaele.

**You can watch original documentary for free on Amazon Prime. It is called A League of Their Own – The Documentary. From 1990. Check it out.

How to Write Groundhog Day

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How to Write Groundhog Day

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Pick a holiday that doesn’t have its own movie yet. Got one? Cool.

2 – The Genre. Take your vague yet thought-provoking “what if you repeated the same day over and over again?” idea and make it have something to do with this holiday you just picked. Fill it in with details of that neglected holiday. Make it take place in a funny sounding town that famously celebrates the holiday. Name your main character after the only animal that celebrates the holiday. Give that character the same weather-predicting job as that animal and send him to the funny town to join in all the celebrations. This is a holiday movie, after all.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? This time it’s not death. Usually threatening the main character’s life is considered “high stakes” but not if your character can’t die because he is repeating the same day over and over again as some sort of lesson to find happiness. Turns out the worst thing that can happen is not getting Andie MacDowell to fall in love with you.

4 – The Fun Stuff. It gets really fun once Bill Murray figures out there are no consequences in tomorrow to what he does today. Just think of all the things an unrestrained Bill Murray could do, like drunk driving, multiple suicides, and getting random women to sleep with him. Also put Bill Murray in your movie.

5 – The Device. A groundhog. No. A clock? Maybe. A song. Yes! How do you indicate that we are starting the same day over again? Sonny and Cher, no less. Hearing a pair of ex-lovers sing “I Got You, Babe” is a great way to start the day and we won’t mind hearing it over and over again.

6 – The Phil. Put Bill Murray in your movie as Phil but don’t expect him to remain friends with the director after filming, no matter how many good movies they made together before this. Also don’t expect the groundhogs acting in the movie to like Bill Murray, either, so make sure he gets tetanus shots. And definitely don’t think that you can actually cast the real Punxsutawney Phil as the groundhog because you aren’t filming in Pennsylvania for tax reasons and the town isn’t pleased.

7 – The Jokes. The comedy isn’t in one-off jokes. The comedy is in seeing our main character in the same situations but doing them differently each time. Just ask Ned Ryerson. Audiences love repetition, because it sets up some sort of familiarity. Audiences love repetition, it makes things easier to remember. Audiences love repetition, but not too much, unless, of course, the entire premise of your movie is repetition.

8 – The Title. It’s easiest if you just stick to the name of the holiday. That’s why you picked a holiday that doesn’t have its own movie.

9 – The Ending. Phil sleeps with Andie MacDowell, but he loves her so it’s okay.

10 – The Heart. “Is there anything I can do for you today?” You guys, Phil stops seeing his shadow and starts seeing the light inside of himself. Whoa. Phil finds happiness by learning how to treat others well and changes his attitude on life. People will write articles about how there are religious truths in this silly comedy that you wrote about a neglected holiday. Maybe we do all just repeat the same day…

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Groundhog Day. David Rubin and Harold Ramis did.

**Here’s an article about interpretations of the movie Groundhog Day – http://mentalfloss.com/article/55243/8-creative-interpretations-groundhog-day