Author: La Zvirbulis
Now is the only thing you have. Enjoy the present.
How to Write Back to the Future – podcast
The Podcast is Live!
You can now find How to Write Your Favorite Movie as a podcast on Spotify!
How to Write The Matrix
How to Write The Matrix
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Where do ideas come from? Are these words really on the screen right now, or are they just an illusion of the matrix? If you are reading this, you are the chosen one, screenwriter. Follow the white rabbit. Write your script.
2 – The Genre. Futuristic sci-fi change-your-perception-of-the-world thriller. Cyberpunk is the term for it, I guess. Multi-hyphenate Jesus allegory also works.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? By taking a pill from a stranger with cool sunglasses, you find out that humans are used as batteries for a machine-alien race that keep us all in a digital matrix world to distract us while we are drained of energy. Now that you know this, your job is to fight The Matrix, save humanity, and combine deep philosophical ideas with difficult special effects. No pressure.
4 – The Fun Stuff. We get conceptual here. What if Will Smith is the chosen one, and Val Kilmer guides him to the truth? Ah if only Will understood the concept instead of choosing The Wild Wild West. How do we explain these concepts to people? What if we really are living in a Matrix? What if we are all Keanu Reeves? Whoa. Excellent. He’d be a great savior of humanity, as would you. And since this is the 90s and we have CGI we can do cool stuff with slowing down flying bullets, making people jump way farther than we ever thought possible, and hiding Keanu Reeves’ real life spinal injury (seriously, he was almost paralyzed at one point). We mess with the physical world, because it’s all digital anyway, right?
5 – The Device. The Matrix is a system, screenwriter. That system is our enemy. The Device is the world we live in. Or the world we think we live in. It’s the computer codes creating the world around us, and the war above between human batteries and the beings that use humans for energy. Make sure you and all of your actors read Simulacra and Simulation by Jean Baudrillard. We won’t read it, but hopefully we will understand it after watching this movie.
6 – The Larry. Laurence Fishburne is the old wise man that helps our hero. The Obi Wan in Star Wars. The Doc Brown in Back to the Future. The Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. Let’s name him Morpheus, which kind of means “change”, but most people won’t notice that it’s an obvious name even though he is the reason our main character changes.
7 – The Jokes. There are no jokes, only algorithms. Do not try and bend the spoon, that’s impossible. Only try to realize the truth. There is no spoon. It is not the spoon that bends, but only ourselves. It’s not the movie that changes our perceptions, it’s ourselves that give The Matrix its meaning. What makes sense anymore?
8 – The Title. Human Battery sounds too much like an action movie and this is more sci-fi with action elements. Wake Up Humans, This Is The Truth is too preachy. We can get geeky but keep it simple. The Matrix. Math nerds will love it and it is simple enough for humans to remember.
9 – The Ending. You are the chosen one. Save Humanity. Yes you. Go write your script.
10 – The Heart. The Matrix has a heart, just like humans do. It reminds us all that we are the saviors of our own digital realities, and that you are the only one that can write your screenplay.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write The Matrix. The Wachowskis did.
How to Write Bridesmaids
How to Write Bridesmaids
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. If you don’t already have funny friends, move to a major city and take a class on something called “improvisation”.
2 – The Genre. Comedy. With women. But nowadays we just say “Comedy” and not “Female Comedy” or “Chick Flick”. Funny is funny. People are people.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You mess up all the fun plans before your best friend’s wedding because you kind of suck at life and you’re letting your depression affect your friendships. Your cake business failed and you are sleeping with a jerk, albeit a handsome one. All of your friends are doing so well that you are the only one who can’t afford a first class flight. You have to move in with your mother and worst of all, your best friend might have a new best friend.
4 – The Fun Stuff. Being a Bridesmaid is fun, right? Planning parties, shopping for dresses, and adventurous lunches! Food poisoning while trying on expensive dresses! Getting Kristen Wiig drunk on an airplane! Of course there’s the wedding to look forward to at the end of the movie. Audiences like looking forward to a big event, and it will be awesome if we can get Wilson Phillips to sing a hit song at the reception.
5 – The Cop. A guy with authority who can pull you over for not fixing your tail light. A guy who will let you do cop stuff with him, then sexy stuff, and then baking stuff. Give him a cool non-American accent and let him be super into you. Good guys exist.
6 – The Melissa. We need a voice of reason. Someone who has their shit together and doesn’t abandon Annie at her worst. Also someone who is capable at handling a bunch of golden retrievers. Melissa McCarthy, although already a successful television actor, makes a breakout in this movie. Let her choose her styling – apparently she doesn’t want her character to wear makeup. And cast her husband in it as her romantic interest because they are adorable together.
7 – The Jokes. Comedians, attack! While the script is hilarious, we have the best comedic talent in the business in this movie. Let them soar! Women are funny, damn it! Women can shit themselves in the middle of the street and make it tasteful! Women can tell jokes! (Although a woman did not direct this movie, Paul Feig knows how to let women shine.)
8 – The Title. Bridesmaids, because you know, they’re all bridesmaids. I guess we could go with “My Best Friend’s Wedding” but that has been taken and “Sorry I Ruined Your Bachelorette Party” is too long. Keep it simple.
9 – The Ending. “Fight for your shitty life!” yells Melissa McCarthy and then amazingly Annie gets her shit together. It’s inspiring. I kind of want someone to yell at me like that. Annie opens a bakery, makes amends to those she hurt, and saves the wedding by finding the bride the morning of. Oh, and she gets the hot cop and makes new friends while dancing along to “Hold On” next to Wilson Phillips.
10 – The Heart. Bridesmaids is a movie about friends made by actual friends. There’s a reason the main character is named Annie. She’s one of the writers. You can tell that these two besties who met in an improv class really love each other and love making a great movie.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Bridesmaids. Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig did.
How to Write Speed
How to Write Speed
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Have your Dad spoil the movie Runaway Train by telling you it has a bomb on board (it doesn’t). When you watch that movie, realize your Dad probably confused the plot with the Japanese movie The Bullet Train, which did have a bomb on board. Think the movie with the bomb is the better version and decide to make your own but make it your own by adding a bus. Yeah.
2 – The Genre. Action. Wait, what, this takes place mostly on a bus and we all know buses are boring. We can only get this green lit if we include action sequences that don’t take place on a bus, so add an elevator and a subway and some sexual tension. Cool?
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? If you take public transportation, you might die. Seriously, though, let’s do all the things people wish they could do with their cars in Los Angeles traffic. Let’s destroy a bunch of nice vehicles, almost run over children, and hijack an airport runway. We do crash a bus and destroy a camera while filming the bus jump scene, and we aren’t sure what to tell the studio, but they don’t seem to mind and make a bunch of profits off of this film so who cares about the lost equipment?
4 – The Fun Stuff. Do you remember Die Hard? We almost got the same director, but he suggested another guy who remembers Die Hard because he was the director of photography. He knows how to make elevators and buses and subways exciting, mostly with explosions.
5 – The Device. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes over 50 miles per hour, the bomb is activated. When the bus goes under 50 miles per hour, the bomb explodes. Simple. Easy. Fun. But there has to be more than one bomb. It’s the nineties, after all. There’s the bomb in the elevator at the beginning, then the bomb on the first bus, then the bomb on our hero bus, and then the bomb strapped to our leading lady at the end. Explosions are cinematic.
6 – The Hopper. The hero is only as good as the villain is bad. This villain has a big chip on his shoulder because of corporate bullshit with is retirement. He just can’t get no respect, so he blows things up. “Thirty years from now you get a tiny pension and a cheap gold watch.” What do you want in thirty years? To still be a good movie? Congratulations! It’s worth a watch.
7 – The Jokes. Pop quiz, hotshot. How can set up a full romantic relationship in two hours? Have them meet under intense circumstances. Have them use PG rated sexual innuendos as to imply that Keanu Reeves is dating this cute bus driver, resulting in her asking “Do I get off?” when given the option to steer the bus off the freeway. After that intensity calms down, have the bus hit a baby carriage being pushed across the street only to find out it is filled with recyclable cans. “It’s not a baby!” is the same thing a couple would excitedly yell after an adventuresome night. He comes back for her even though it risks his life, thus proving his love for her generated during such an intense circumstance. Keanu and Sandra basically go through all the steps of a relationship in less than two hours. It works.
8 – The Title. Minimum Speed. That sounds boring. Maximum Speed? But we don’t really go that fast in this movie…hmmmm…okay, Speed it is.
9 – The Ending. The bus blows up, but no one else does. Keanu defeats the Hopper and saves the day, even though he destroys an expensive subway line on Hollywood Blvd., reminding everyone that Los Angeles really does have a subway.
10 – The Heart. Speed is a full relationship between Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. A relationship built on intense situations can never last, but this movie will be fun to watch forever.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Speed. Graham Yost did with dialogue help from Joss Whedon.
How to Write Rocky
How to Write Rocky
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Beat yourself up for having “not made it” in Hollywood yet. Write a script in three and a half days after you sell your dog. This is not a story about a winner. It is kind of a story about boxer Chuck Wepner lasting almost a full fifteen rounds against Muhammad Ali unexpectedly in 1975. We settle with Wepner out of court for this little inspiration years later, and you do get to buy your dog back. Phew.
2 – The Genre. Oscar bait. I mean, inspirational drama Oscar bait that gets you a bunch of awards and international recognition. I guess this is a story about a winner. Best Picture winner, to be exact. Ten nominations, Adrian!
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You’re a loser. A has been. A nobody. You could have been a contender. You gave up on yourself and now beat up dudes to collect money. And all you want to do in life is to get punched repeatedly by the world heavy weight champion in front of millions of television viewers and your new girlfriend Adrian. Also the studio is thinking of casting someone else, an existing star like Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds. Maybe you’ll never make it in Hollywood.
4 – The Fun Stuff. You win the role of Rocky. You would have beaten yourself up if the movie was a success without you in it, but now that you’re in it, you get to beat other people up! The most fun will be getting your butt in gear to a sweet montage. Training like a champion – specifically training like real boxer Joe Frazier – drinking raw eggs, punching dead cow carcasses in a meat locker, jogging up stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum and making them famous with a fist pump. But we can also provide soundtracks to people working out and inspire real life people to run up those stairs while listening to that song and pumping their own fists in the air. Life imitates art, after all.
5 – The Device. World Heavyweight Champion Muhammad Ali, but in the script we call him Apollo Creed. He’s the best, regularly knocking out professional boxers. To gain some more press, Apollo hosts a mock exhibition match against a marketable Southpaw – The Italian Stallion. Apollo gives Rocky the chance to fight him, so while he is the opponent, he is also the savior. I’m not sure Jesus ever asked anyone to fight him for money, but he did provide ways for people to reach their full potentials. So. There’s that.
6 – The Coach. Rocky needs someone who believed in him once but doesn’t believe in him right now but could possibly believe in him again if he got his act together. Burgess Meredith, the guy from one of the most famous episodes of The Twilight Zone – the one where the guy is the last man alive on Earth and just wants to read, but when he finally finds the library he steps on his glasses and can’t read. He doesn’t want to read in this movie, though, he wants to train boxers. It’s just cool that we can afford an actor from The Twilight Zone. And even though we only have a million dollar budget, we can also afford a Coppola.
7 – The Jokes. “Yo, Adrian!” The charm in this movie comes from Rocky’s love for Adrian, played by Francis Ford Coppola’s sister Talia Shire. He really fights for her love by making her laugh with jokes, and then makes love to her after buying animals from her pet store.
8 – The Title. Rocky. Rocky 2. Rocky 3. Rocky 4. Rocky Balboa. Creed. Creed 2. Wow this really is a franchise. Let’s just start with Rocky.
9 – The Ending. You lose the fight, but you last all the rounds. You make it to the end and don’t get taken down by the world heavyweight champion. Sure, you loosely based the story on a real life boxing match, but that script you write in three and half days earns you an Academy Award nomination for Best Screenplay. Congrats, winner. Even though you didn’t win the Oscar for writing, you do win a career.
10 – The Heart. Rocky wins the heart of Adrian and launches Sylvester Stallone into the hearts of viewers around the world. Sly not only stars in all of the sequels but also writes and directs most of them as well. This really is a story about a winner. And this article is to remind you that Sylvester Stallone is an Academy Award nominated Screenwriter. (Fist pump).
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Rocky. Sylvester Stallone did. Seriously. Rambo wrote Rocky.
How to Write Jurassic Park
How to Write Jurassic Park
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Visit a real dinosaur theme park and write about your fun weekend. No, but wouldn’t that be awesome? One can only dream. Seriously though, just write novels for about twenty years and then write and direct a few films and turn this one screenplay you wrote about a college kid who clones a dinosaur into a novel without a college kid that then gets turned into a screenplay. Tell your buddy about your new dinosaur theme park book so he can call dibs on the directing rights.
2 – The Genre. Thriller. Action Adventure. You are stuck on an island with a bunch of cloned dinosaurs and people die, so kind of Horror? Blockbuster I think is the official genre.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Your free vacation gets ruined when the dinosaurs in the dinosaur theme park get set free by a guy who is upset about his paycheck. You don’t want kids, and of course now you are stuck with kids while trapped on this dinosaur infested island. It’s raining a lot. And Ian Malcolm won’t shut up about his Chaos Theory.
4 – The Fun Stuff. Dinosaurs aren’t just scary, they are also majestic. The first ones we see are beautiful brachiosaurs, you know, those tall skinny necked things that move in herds. They are graceful and peaceful, similar to a giraffe in a zoo. You see birds at zoos, and dinosaurs are just basically large birds without feathers. This is the part that would totally make you want to visit a dinosaur theme park. Also, we get to drive around in Jeeps and Ford Explorers because they paid to be in this film.
5 – The Device. A Tyrannosaurus Rex. The baddest-ass dinosaur of all time because this is the first film and we don’t need to create hybrids yet. Remind the audience that she’s a female, because all of the dinosaurs on the island are genetically created to be female. Our lady T-Rex is the “Deus Ex Machina” of Jurassic Park, the “Hand of God” that magically saves our visitors at the end of the movie. The ancient Greeks used it all the time when they didn’t know how to end their plays – a giant hand just comes from above and lifts the villain from the stage. This is what the T-Rex that terrifyingly ravages a 1993 Ford Explorer at the midpoint does at the end – saves the day by eating the velociraptor attacking our main human characters while the banner “When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth” gloriously falls behind her.
6 – The Hammond. Mister Hammond could be considered the evil corporate villain in this story. He owns the park, pays scientists to clone dinosaurs, underpays his I.T. guy to run the security systems, uses a cane with a dead animal in it, and dresses generally in monochrome – all signs of a villain. No one would be surrounded by dangerous dinosaurs if it weren’t for Mr. Hammond’s little island and invitation to join him for free.
7 – The Jokes. Cast Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm and we don’t really need jokes. Make sure his shirt rips open at some point. Not a joke. Oh we can make fun of lawyers here, so put the lawyer on a toilet and have him get eaten humorously. Keep his shorts on, though, he’s not “going number two”, he’s just avoiding the children he abandoned in the car. He deserves to die.
8 – The Title. Jurassic Park. It’s the name of the park. It also suggests that the park has dinosaurs, but it smarter than just “Dinosaur Park” or “Dinoland” or “Billy and the Cloneasaurus”. Jurassic Park has a seriousness to it, and our T-Rex skeleton looks so cute in the logo! It’s based off of the bones of the first T-Rex skeleton discovered by humans and designed by the same guy that did the Star Wars font and the Starfleet insignia for Star Trek. We spared no expense.
9 – The Ending. Mr. Hammond dies in the book but survives in the movie. You finally want kids because that night you spent with them in a tree (not weird, I promise), which I guess you get to have your own kids with a blonde paleobotanist. Ian Malcolm proves his Chaos Theory and finally shuts up about it. The dinosaurs are left on the island to fend for themselves. And most importantly, we all look at birds differently now.
10 – The Heart. Life finds a way. It’s as if there’s a mass fantasy of living with dinosaurs, or at least getting to see them in real life. What is that? Anyway, it’s fun to watch, scary and exciting and inspiring. And I would still totally visit a dinosaur theme park, even knowing what could happen.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Jurassic Park. Michael Crichton and David Koepp wrote the screenplay based on the novel by Michael Crichton.
How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall
How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Get dumped while you are naked by the long term girlfriend you met while making a tv show for Judd Apatow. Have Judd Apatow tell you that you’re going to have to write your own movie because you’re just a bit too weird to be cast as a normal leading man. Get Judd Apatow to produce a movie where you and your friends get to spend three months in Hawaii making out with Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis so you can show the fun sexy footage to your ex-girlfriend and millions of other people.
2 – The Genre. Comedy as produced by Judd Apatow. And even though this is weirdly Jason Segel’s real life therapeutic revenge movie, the film itself is a delightful romantic comedy with a great cast in a beautiful setting. Also this is Hollywood history because Jason Segel shows his penis on screen. In a comedy. It’s big. Like, a big deal. For its genre.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you just got naked-dumped. So now, you naked-sleep with a bunch of women in Los Angeles, then end up in Hawaii where a hot girl at the front desk takes pity on you and gives you a penthouse suite for free. Wait that doesn’t sound so bad. Oh but you want your ex back and can’t have her and she’s on this island resort with you and her new boyfriend. Also you drink a lot and haven’t finished your Dracula musical yet. Ouch.
4 – The Fun Stuff. We get to see Jason Segel’s dick. It’s a good dick that is important to the story because it is based on true events. We can even name his character Peter to remind everyone that we do in fact see his peter. Dicking around aside, we get to go to Hawaii and make out with attractive people and do comedy bits with our friends! Paul Rudd as a middle-aged surf instructor, Jonah Hill as a waiter obsessed with a rock star, Bill Hader as a voice of reason step-brother, and Jack McBrayer as a virgin that lets us add even more sexual comedy into this sexy comedy. Also let’s make fun of how many people get married or engaged in Hawaii, as to rub the singleness into Jason Segel’s wounds. It is funny when he cries.
5 – The Device. Dracula Musical. Peter is writing a musical with puppets but hasn’t finished it because of his depression or whatever. Is he depressed over the breakup, or did the breakup happen because of his depression? Anyway, you must complete your creative work (like this screenplay) before you can truly win over the person you like, and the creative work is what gets Jason Segel out of the depression. Wow. Okay, Dracula Musical. I guess you’re important.
6 – The Boyfriend. We write him to be a pretentious novelist, but when comedian Russell Brand auditions he wins over the role. Your villain is a rock star who makes silly/sexy songs that you can write yourself if you want more royalties. He becomes a bigger villain when it turns out that not only did your ex dump you for him, she cheated on you with him for a year. Big ouch.
7 – The Jokes. Good thing you have funny friends with improv training that you put in your movie, so you don’t even have to write some of it – just let improvisers make stuff up on set! Oh, and the “the weather outside is weather” joke costs us $90,000 in royalty fees but the joke really hits well with test audiences so we keep it. Oh yeah, we test a lot of the jokes with different audiences before the final cut is released. We are Hollywood professionals.
8 – The Title. “You Suck, Sarah Marshall”. No. “My Mother Always Hated You, Sarah Marshall”. No, but we can put up billboards with similar sentiments up all over town to promote this movie because pictures of Jason’s face don’t test well with audiences. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is memorable as a title.
9 – The Ending. Dracula Musical! Jason stops drinking and finishes his magnum opus in a vampire puppet musical about Dracula and premieres it in Los Angeles. Mila Kunis shows up to see the musical and then his penis! They kiss and prove that Peter really has forgotten what’s her name.
10 – The Heart. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about Jason Segel getting his shit together. He wrote it about his real life and made a lot of money off of it, so, breakups do pay. In fact, writing a screenplay about your breakup is better than therapy because you get a free trip to wherever you wrote about when you’re done. Smart guy.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Jason Segel did.
How to Write Edward Scissorhands
How to Write Edward Scissorhands
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Grow up in Burbank, California. Feel like you don’t belong in what is essentially a retirement community for Disney animators. While you are a teenager, make a drawing of a lonely boy with scissors for hands, and while you are an adult, show that drawing to a new novelist you hire to write the full script.
2 – The Genre. Tim Burton is his own genre, but in case you don’t know his other films, I think maybe “Sad Christmas” defines it? “Chilly Bittersweet Innocence” maybe? And “Johnny Depp with music by Danny Elfman”. Do some research by watching old horror movies from the 1930s/40s for this particular film, though. While it’s not so much scary, we do pull from a lot of classic scary movies.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? You have scissors for hands and cut anything you touch, including your own face! You live alone in a castle and your creator, the only person who can give you hands, died! You have a crush on Winona Ryder and want to touch her but can’t because you have scissors for hands!
4 – The Fun Stuff. Sharp fingers can be a bonus, you know. You can start an artistic gardening business. Or be a dog groomer. Ice sculpting, perhaps? How about opening a hair salon for the sexy neighborhood women? There are so many opportunities for an ambitious young man with scissors for hands in this weird neighborhood where people only paint their houses one of four bland colors. For a brief moment in time, suburbia accepts the lonely man with scissors for hands. Oh we can give a first on screen acting job to a future Backstreet Boy – Nick Carter is the kid on the slip and slide in the front yard. Super fun.
5 – The Device. Scissorhands. It represents the feeling of not belonging. Not being a complete human. Not finished. Lonely. Who can you touch when you have scissors for hands? Why did it have to be scissors? Couldn’t we have used chopsticks? Or even just boxing gloves? Edward Chopstickhands doesn’t have quite the ring to it, I guess. Okay let’s go with scissors.
6 – The Bully. Anthony Michael Hall bulked up from his days as the geek in 1980s teen comedies and now plays bad guys and in his off time does drugs with Robert Downey, Jr. It gives you a chance to write a fantasy revenge story where you get to kill the high school jock with your sweet scissorhands and gravity.
7 – The Jokes. Avon lady calling! Dianne Wiest is charming and funny and perfect as the door-to-door make up selling surburban mom who takes in the weird guy from the castle on the hill. He has scissors for hands and could use a good astringent, which makes him an ideal satisfied Avon customer.
8 – The Title. Scissorhands. No, that sounds like a scary movie. Make it more human. Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. He will make a good Halloween costume. Edward Chopstickhands would also be a good Halloween costume, if anyone wants some inspiration.
9 – The Ending. Winona Ryder tells the neighborhood that Edward was killed by showing them a removed scissorhand she found in the castle. Winona finally gets to hold Edward’s hand – by holding it up to show everyone he is dead. Sad and beautiful. Edward goes back into hiding in his castle, living alone for the rest of his years. Who knows how long he will live – he doesn’t age, like Winona Ryder does at the beginning and end of this movie. Bookending the narrative with an old person telling a tale is a tribute to gothic storytelling, and fits into the Frankenstein motif. Oh also thank goodness that first job as a Disney animator gave you access to make your own films. It makes sense that one of your other films gets turned into a Disney ride during the holidays, as if you were always tied to Disney, little Tim Burton from Burbank.
10 – The Heart. It snows on Christmas because Edward Scissorhands still loves old Winona Ryder and the only way he can show his love is through the magical yet lonely art of ice sculpting. It’s sweet. It’s a romantic 1990s Frankenstein. I’m not crying. You’re crying.
…*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Edward Scissorhands. Caroline Thompson did from a story by Tim Burton.
How To Write Your Favorite Movie 