How to Write Forgetting Sarah Marshall
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Get dumped while you are naked by the long term girlfriend you met while making a tv show for Judd Apatow. Have Judd Apatow tell you that you’re going to have to write your own movie because you’re just a bit too weird to be cast as a normal leading man. Get Judd Apatow to produce a movie where you and your friends get to spend three months in Hawaii making out with Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis so you can show the fun sexy footage to your ex-girlfriend and millions of other people.
2 – The Genre. Comedy as produced by Judd Apatow. And even though this is weirdly Jason Segel’s real life therapeutic revenge movie, the film itself is a delightful romantic comedy with a great cast in a beautiful setting. Also this is Hollywood history because Jason Segel shows his penis on screen. In a comedy. It’s big. Like, a big deal. For its genre.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, you just got naked-dumped. So now, you naked-sleep with a bunch of women in Los Angeles, then end up in Hawaii where a hot girl at the front desk takes pity on you and gives you a penthouse suite for free. Wait that doesn’t sound so bad. Oh but you want your ex back and can’t have her and she’s on this island resort with you and her new boyfriend. Also you drink a lot and haven’t finished your Dracula musical yet. Ouch.
4 – The Fun Stuff. We get to see Jason Segel’s dick. It’s a good dick that is important to the story because it is based on true events. We can even name his character Peter to remind everyone that we do in fact see his peter. Dicking around aside, we get to go to Hawaii and make out with attractive people and do comedy bits with our friends! Paul Rudd as a middle-aged surf instructor, Jonah Hill as a waiter obsessed with a rock star, Bill Hader as a voice of reason step-brother, and Jack McBrayer as a virgin that lets us add even more sexual comedy into this sexy comedy. Also let’s make fun of how many people get married or engaged in Hawaii, as to rub the singleness into Jason Segel’s wounds. It is funny when he cries.
5 – The Device. Dracula Musical. Peter is writing a musical with puppets but hasn’t finished it because of his depression or whatever. Is he depressed over the breakup, or did the breakup happen because of his depression? Anyway, you must complete your creative work (like this screenplay) before you can truly win over the person you like, and the creative work is what gets Jason Segel out of the depression. Wow. Okay, Dracula Musical. I guess you’re important.
6 – The Boyfriend. We write him to be a pretentious novelist, but when comedian Russell Brand auditions he wins over the role. Your villain is a rock star who makes silly/sexy songs that you can write yourself if you want more royalties. He becomes a bigger villain when it turns out that not only did your ex dump you for him, she cheated on you with him for a year. Big ouch.
7 – The Jokes. Good thing you have funny friends with improv training that you put in your movie, so you don’t even have to write some of it – just let improvisers make stuff up on set! Oh, and the “the weather outside is weather” joke costs us $90,000 in royalty fees but the joke really hits well with test audiences so we keep it. Oh yeah, we test a lot of the jokes with different audiences before the final cut is released. We are Hollywood professionals.
8 – The Title. “You Suck, Sarah Marshall”. No. “My Mother Always Hated You, Sarah Marshall”. No, but we can put up billboards with similar sentiments up all over town to promote this movie because pictures of Jason’s face don’t test well with audiences. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is memorable as a title.
9 – The Ending. Dracula Musical! Jason stops drinking and finishes his magnum opus in a vampire puppet musical about Dracula and premieres it in Los Angeles. Mila Kunis shows up to see the musical and then his penis! They kiss and prove that Peter really has forgotten what’s her name.
10 – The Heart. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is about Jason Segel getting his shit together. He wrote it about his real life and made a lot of money off of it, so, breakups do pay. In fact, writing a screenplay about your breakup is better than therapy because you get a free trip to wherever you wrote about when you’re done. Smart guy.
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Jason Segel did.
How To Write Your Favorite Movie 