How to Write A League of Their Own

How to Write A League of Their Own

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Have your friend ask you and your buddy to write a script after she watches a documentary about the real women who played in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League.** Also your friend is Penny Marshall, the first woman to direct a movie that generates over $100 million domestic box office (Big), a former tv comedy star (Laverne & Shirley), who has a brother that’s also a comedy star turned huge director (Garry Marshall). All signs this will be a good film, so you both say yes.

2 – The Genre. Nostalgic dramatic comedy that can be considered the best baseball movie ever. And while you might not agree about the best baseball movie, I think we can all agree that watching a sports movie is a better way to spend two hours than watching actual sports. If you’re playing a sport, that’s different. Nothing against sports, it’s just that movies are usually funnier and more dramatic, especially after men stopped wearing those tight short shorts in sports. 

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Women learn to love getting paid to play professional baseball and then get threatened to return to the kitchen once the war is over. Wait, the war ending is the worst thing that could happen? Oh also sexism is bad. Let’s add some sibling rivalry because the war ending can’t be the worst. Also please mention that African American women weren’t allowed to play at the time, but show that it’s a shame.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Sisters in sports. Of course you expect there to be rivalry, but you have to play against your own blood in the World Series? That’s tough. Your sister is Geena Davis? Ouch. You play for the opposite team now because you got transferred? This is what sports is all about. It’s not about what team you play for, it’s about winning the game. Or maybe letting your sister win the game. Is it really about winning? Who wins here? Just the audience?

5 – The Device. It is baseball. Specifically, it is the baseball that Dottie drops. The question is, does she do it on purpose? Would you drop the ball to let your little sister win because you love your sister more than you like playing baseball and you can just go home to have baby-making sex with your war hero husband? I would. But the answer is open to interpretation.

6 – The Coach. Let’s make Jimmy Dugan a tribute to Rick from Casablanca – a bitter alcoholic in the 1940s whose glory days are behind him and who loves a talented woman married to another man. We will delete their love scene in the final edit of the film, though.

7 – The Jokes. There is no crying in baseball but that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh during A League of Their Own. Remember that the director is a comedy star with a comedy brother and a bunch of comedy friends she can put in the movie. We can also get away with the line “Avoid the Clap” because kids don’t know about nicknames for STDs. I guess that means that Jimmy Dugan had gonorrhea at one point in his life. Ew.

8 – The Title. Take the title from that documentary Penny made you watch. It’s a good title.

9 – The Ending. Spoiler – Dottie drops the ball, letting her little sister Kit have all the glory during the first ever World Series of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Dottie leaves the game forever, but she goes back for the opening of AAGPL induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame and plays ball to a song that Madonna wrote just for the movie’s ending credits. Oh yeah, Madonna is in this movie. And after Megan Cavanuagh wins over the role as Marla Hooch, we need to find another role for Rosie O’Donnell because she’s funny and really good at baseball. Let’s turn one character into two characters, giving Madonna a best friend.

10 – The Heart. “When are you going to realize how special it was? How much it all meant?” It’s not about winning or losing, it is about being part of something bigger than yourself. The film A League of Their Own is released 50 years after the premiere of the real league. It’s beautiful. Go watch it. Or go write your own baseball movie. Actually, go outside and play catch with a family member.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write A League of Their Own. Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel did per the request of the director Penny Marshall, based on a story by Kim Wilson and Kelly Candaele.

**You can watch original documentary for free on Amazon Prime. It is called A League of Their Own – The Documentary. From 1990. Check it out.