How to Write Casablanca
by L.A. Zvirbulis
1 – The Inspiration. Visit war-torn Europe and write a stage play called “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” with your platonic lady friend, but don’t actually perform it. Just make sure movie producers read it around the same time that Pearl Harbor is bombed, because being “current on pop culture” will totally make Hollywood pay more for an unknown script than ever before.
2 – The Genre. Romance. Drama. Romantic Drama? We’re using black and white film and Humphrey Bogart, so also kind of film noir? Even more romantic and dramatic. And there’s a backdrop of the currently happening World War II, so we have to use existing sets on the studio lot if that’s cool with you. Our extra money is being used for propaganda** films.
3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? Nazis. Like I said before, they’re bad. Really bad. Like actually killing people in real life bad and in the movie they’ll shoot you if you don’t have the Letters of Transit and leave Casablanca bad. Also, just because you wrote the play doesn’t mean you get to write the movie, kids. It’s as if the original writers had to send the scripted love of their lives on a plane to Hollywood with another man-writer (or three), knowing all along how happy they could have been together, but also knowing the movie probably wouldn’t be as good if it didn’t happen this way. Problems of two little playwrights don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy tinsel town.
4 – The Fun Stuff. Romance. Drama. Nazis. Alcoholism. Murder. Gambling. Corrupt Officials. Implying sex but not actually showing it because of the Hays Code. You know, all the fun stuff.
5 – The Device. These damn Letters of Transit better mean something. Wait, the official doesn’t even check for them at the end? Why the hell does Ilsa sleep with Rick to get them? Oh, she may actually still love him. That’s sweet. Let’s not tell Ingrid Bergman the ending yet, though. We actually don’t know for ourselves at this point. Just that the Letters of Transit are used to drive the plot for most of the movie and then not needed at the end. Who gets on the plane? Do we know that? There’s a plane. And there’s problems. More than three people have problems in this story, but we mainly focus on the three lovers and those meaningless Letters of Transit.
6 – The Lover. Rick’s villain is a hero who saves people from Nazis. But Rick doesn’t care about Nazis, he only cares about drinking away the love of his life Ilsa who left him in Paris for this stupid war resistance fighter. We also have the rights to the song “As Time Goes By”. It will be famous, but “Play It Again, Sam” is not a line in this movie, as a future tortured comedian would have you believe. The quotes about the song in Casablanca are “Play it, Sam, play As Time Goes By” from Ilsa and “Sam, I told you never to play…” from Rick. But the quotes get better.
7 – The Jokes. Nobody tells you how funny Casablanca is. That. Stops. Now. Casablanca is funny. Just because there is romance and drama and Nazis doesn’t mean there can’t be jokes. Humor. Funny lines people remember forever. The line the corrupt official says after blatantly seeing Rick shoot someone, “Round up The Usual Suspects,” inspires a title for a future film. Not sure which one, though. Probably Pixar’s Up.
8 – The Title. Casablanca is a city in Morocco. Promotes tourism. “We’ll Always Have Paris” also promotes tourism, but the shorter the title the better and I’m sure the French will just use that quote anyway, along with any couple who has ever implied sex in that city.
9 – The Ending. Don’t worry, you don’t have to write the last line of this movie. “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” will be added per the producer’s request and dubbed weeks after filming. Phew. Also Ilsa gets on the plane with that damn war hero. Spoiler. But we have to hurry up to finish this movie because Casablanca will be released early to coincide with the Allied invasion of North Africa and the capture of the for real Casablanca. Gotta stay on the trends of pop culture.
10 – The Heart. No one expected this movie to be special. Casablanca is a movie about lovers torn apart by war, and it was made during that war with some of the best talent in Hollywood. Its heart was true then, but its truths stand the test of time. It will still be the same old story, the fight for love and glory…
*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Casablanca. The film was based on the play “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” by Murray Burnett and Joan Alison, and the screenplay was written by Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein, and Howard Koch.
**Here’s a link to one of those “let’s join America in the war effort” movies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsBG34TSJJ4
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