How to Write Jaws

How to Write Jaws

by L.A. Zvirbulis

1 – The Inspiration. Read a book called Jaws by Peter Benchley. Or at least kind of look at the plot synopsis if you get a chance. There are some dudes and a shark and it’s New England in the 1970s. It’s fine, we write most of the script on set anyway and we are sending copies of the book to major influencers who won’t read the book either but will help get it on the bestsellers list.

2 – The Genre. Chief Brody is already scared of the water. But do you know what is scarier than water? Sharks in the water. Oooooh. Wouldn’t it be fun to make rational humans terrified of the ocean? Let’s invest in hotel pools because people at beach front resorts won’t go in the water after watching this movie. Let’s also figure out why a guy who is scared of the water would get a job on a small island. It’s also kind of based on true stories. Scary stuff.

3 – The Complications. What’s the worst that could happen? A shark kills you and your family and everyone vacationing at a summer resort town and that cute dog Pippin. There’s also a Mayor that won’t close the beaches and won’t tell Alex Kintner’s mother there’s a hungry shark out there, because you know, profits.

4 – The Fun Stuff. Shark attacks. More shark attacks. Like, the most shark attacks ever. Just think of all the cool things you can do on screen because we are using a mechanical shark and not a real one. We really want to see a lot of this shark.

5 – The Device. Write more land-based scenes because our mechanical shark doesn’t work. What else could be a shark? Barrels. Yeah, use barrels to indicate that a shark is there. How about sound? Use music to indicate that a shark is there. But we don’t have a huge budget so maybe only two notes and a basic beat? Thanks. Let’s film in the editor’s pool so we can get one last scare – just of Hooper seeing a dead guy, not a shark. People are also scared of dead guys. Just don’t let anyone know we don’t have much footage of the shark. Oh the shark works now? Great! Oh wait it sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic? No one needs to know. What else could be a shark?

6 – The Hunter. Quint can be a villain. He’s old and probably smells like fish and can scare an entire room with his fingernails and a chalkboard. Yeah, Quint is the shark now. Also the Mayor sucks.

7 – The Jokes. Jokes? How about stories? Jokes are too short and we need to eat up more dry time. Let’s have Quint tell some scary story about sharks. That will work. Yeah. People go to shark movies to hear people tell stories about sharks. You don’t really have to write this part, that’s why we hire improvisers. We also kill improvisers on screen. Bye bye, Quint.

8 – The Title. It’s Jaws. We’re sticking with it. We’ve already got the poster.

9 – The Ending. Let Hooper live! Let Hooper live! Let Hooper live! (Hooper dies in the book). Also pretty sure that Chief Brody is still scared of the water after this. But hey, the shark dies in a glorious bloody explosion. Wait, where’s the director? Steven left the set? Is he scared of his crew or something? Hello?

10 – The Heart. Oh shit. This movie is fantastic and terrifying. Congratulations. No idea how you did it, but keep it up.

*L.A. Zvirbulis did not write Jaws. Peter Benchley wrote the novel and co-wrote the screenplay with Carl Gottlieb.